I participated in my 75th yoga class this week, which feels like a good milestone moment to check in on what I’ve learned and what it means for me, particularly through the lens of my horsey endeavors and goals for the year.
Not so much from a physical tactical exposition of how the poses align with good equitation (answer: they do!) or whether that means I’ve seen massive improvements in my own position as a result (answer: not really!). But rather, there are other observations I’ve made from the practice that resonate possibly on a deeper level.
“oh boy, here she goes again….” — doozy, probably
In particular, a teacher offhandedly mentioned the book Eastern Body, Western Mind in class one day, so naturally I downloaded it. While driving to our first event last month, I listened to the chapter on a parable of describing a stream — first from the perspective of an observer on the banks, and then again from the perspective of being fully immersed in the stream.
Perhaps, while observing from the banks, you might note the stream’s size, width, color, the surrounding foliage, how it looks and sounds. But upon taking that step down from edge and into the stream, your perception might change entirely. Now you might describe the stream from a more sensory perspective — the temperature of the water, the texture of the riverbed beneath your feet, the push and pull of currents.
everything looks (and feels!) a little different from that first person perspective!
The gist is that there are two modes of “knowing” a thing: observing from the outside, vs experiencing from within. Description vs participation. And that there’s this threshold moment, transition, inflection point when you take that step into.
Obviously readers who have been around for a while (or perhaps even just those observant enough to note the title of this website) will know I’ve spent a lot of time grappling with the subjects of fear, anxiety and confidence. And this little parable about observing the stream from outside vs inside is, I think, an illuminating way to consider the idea of anxiety.
Anxiety is inherent to the transition, the decision to act, to step in. It’s a visceral response to this idea of crossing into uncertainty. We can spend a lot of time thinking about why that is — perhaps it’s fear of failure, performance anxiety, fear of the unknown… Maybe it’s all of those things.
casually observing professionals doing professional things from the sidelines is… not quite the same
To observe from the sidelines maybe feels safer, there’s more control, more predictability, less exposure. There are different levels of proximity, too — for example, if we’re thinking about horse shows, observing from the distance of a volunteer at a show, or going to cheer on a friend, is ‘closer’ than watching a video on social media. And maybe this sorta incremental inching closer to the edge is a way to create familiarity or “dip your toes in.”
But I think the point of the story that sticks with me is that it is the act of immersion itself that changes perception and perspective.
I’ve often said that I love volunteering bc it normalizes the whole horse show experience — including witnessing countless little (or big) mistakes throughout the day that generally are just nbd, just part of the process, and not worth letting yourself get paralyzed from action bc of them.
pictured: not quite the same LOL, but still fun ;)
That’s not really what this story is saying, tho. Rather, it’s saying that the actitself is experienced so differently from however you may have described it as an observer, that it bears almost no resemblance. In other words, ‘how it looks’ never truly encompasses how it feels. Which means it’s possible to miss key details, perhaps the most important.
And this can cut both ways, right? Like at one of my worst ever horse shows with Charlie, at Plantation Field, where we retired after multiple refusals… We have literally ALL seen horses have refusals. It happens. It’s not the end of the world. But in that moment? To me? Well. The fact that I’m still talking about it all these years later is clear enough indication that the experience left a heavy mark.
Meanwhile, last month when Doozy and I had a refusal on course… the experience itself was completely different, and in fact I still walked away feeling like we’d had a great day — even tho literally anybody could have looked at the scoresheet after the fact and pegged our performance as ‘poor.’
fun fact — i was SUPER ANNOYED at Area II Champs last year bc i forgot to pack a saddle pad for show jumping and had to settle for a janky trailer spare… but tell me (and be honest) — who noticed the mouse pee before i pointed it out??
For me, that’s kinda the big lesson here. That what we might have thought from the outside often shifts when we’re actually in the moment, doing the thing. Perceptions of what might constitute failure — or success! — can shift from hypothetical to contextual, becoming less about judgment and more about adjustment.
For me, recognizing this is actually helping me grow my confidence. It’s not just a matter of feeling more prepared or more ‘ready,’ but actually that repeatedly immersing myself in the experience proves that, ‘Yes, I can handle this!’ and that the existential feelings of doom and dread of possible failure are… maybe actually a bit overblown. Actually, the water’s fine!
constantly working hard to reframe my goal… it’s not about eliminating anxiety or perfect performance… but just simply getting in and trusting it
And back to the 75 yoga classes, obviously it’s not a perfectly analogous activity to leaving the start box on cross country… the scope and scale is obviously entirely different. But it’s still a matter of showing up. Getting into the moment. Practicing doing the thing, getting into the flow. Repeatedly proving to myself that, “Yep I can!”
I think, for me at least and ymmv, integrating this sort of practice and intentionality has been a big longterm goal for me. Horses are hard, the sport is hard, it can be a rollercoaster. But actually, at the end of the day, there’s nothing quite like the feeling of actually splashing around in the stream, experiencing it first hand!
Some days I wake up and want to pinch myself. Is it really true? Is this real life? Are we really doing this??
I know it can be easy to forget, esp for the casual or newer reader. But horses just weren't a given in my life growing up. I begged and - when I was old enough - worked for any and every chance to be around horses. And those experiences I had from childhood through high school were not particularly worldly, although obviously they meant the world to me.
It's so easy to get sucked into the tunnel vision of day to day training. All those granular details, the shifting grains of sand.... And it's easy to be discouraged when despite our best efforts, today's ride seems to go worse than yesterday's, or last week's, or a ride the month before.
Riders everywhere have probably had periods where they felt "stuck." Wondering why they keep rolling this same rock up this same hill again and again, day after day, when it doesn't feel like we're actually getting anywhere.
And I'm definitely predisposed to this way of thinking. Brooding, overly analytical, and generally picking myself apart inside and out... But... Sometimes it's so important to take a step back and look with fresh eyes: Jesus Christ, I have an amazing horse and we are today doing things that I literally never ever believed I could actually do. And.... I'm just... so grateful.
I don't know what I did to get so lucky with Charlie. But he's my horse of a lifetime. I'm so grateful that I have our journey from the beginning fully documented and chronicled. And that I continue to have exciting stories and developments to share <3
The latest of which was another cross country lesson with Sally, this time at our very own farm!! Score for not having to travel or pay a facility fee haha. Double score, bc the extremely talented photographer Amy Flemming Waters was on hand to shoot the clinic.
If that name sounds familiar, it's because you may have seen her work on Eventing Nation -- where she's covered major events like Fair Hill International, Jersey Fresh, and many more.
She caught so many excellent moments from our ride - and y'all know I'm a sucker for media, so obviously I bought the full album. All photos are credited to Amy unless otherwise noted.
according to Sally, this is our warm up fence now
So. The details! My group was the last to go, but I showed up a few hours early to audit the other groups (including watching my friends go!!). Mostly just to get a sense for the rhythms of how these lessons would go, and familiarize myself with what to expect.
Bc let's be real... Even tho it was home turf, and even tho Charlie and I had just successfully navigated the 3'3 jumper courses the day before, I was still pretty nervous.
charlie likey! just look at that tail flip <3
It turned out tho that most of the earlier groups were BN / N, with a few horses working up to the occasional T fence. Meanwhile, my group consisted of a Prelim rider and horse, and another rider who has taken multiple horses up the levels over the years (many of which were homebreds), and whose newest equine partner happens to be one of Sally's former Advanced horses.
So. Uhhh... Yea, these were pretty seriously accomplished and experienced riders and horses. Then, ya know, me and Charlie haha. Tho obviously nobody told Charlie that. As far as he was concerned, we were right where we belonged.
the progression in my facial expressions is priceless. here we see cool calm confident over the log that serves as Jump 1 on the T course
He warmed up sharp as a tack -- slipping easily and immediately into what felt like a damn good canter gear. I had expected Sally to work us progressively through the warm up fences like she had with the other groups, but turned out to be way off base there.
By warm up jump #2 we were at height - that stack of logs above. And from there, we moved immediately onto the T course from our farm's recognized horse trials last week.
jump 2 on course is a familiar ramp
Had I been schooling myself, I probably would have started a little lower and done more progression but... Honestly Charlie definitely seemed 100% A-OK with getting right down to business. Homeboy was in gear and going forward.
easy peasy!
If anything, these first few fences were almost too easy haha. Not that I'm complaining lol!! And realistically, they should be easy bc I've schooled them all myself previously and they're all well on the inviting side of T.
charlie was aces over this upright brush fence after a downhill approach
The only one that was slightly nerve wracking was the brush jump set in the pasture fence line. Without the brush, these are not big fences (actually we routinely pop over the lower end when we're doing conditioning work and want to switch fields without dealing with gates). And they have very good ground lines.
But... They are fairly upright and have a downhill approach (tho it flattens as it gets closer to the jump). Didn't matter, tho, Charlie handled it comfortably. Good boy!
if you watch the video for no other reason, let it be to watch charlie SOAR over this giant table -- we even got cell phone footage of it!
Sally kept us moving along pretty quickly (she was in a kubota) and next up was the line of log tables. These guys have a long sweeping uphill approach and always seem to jump great. Charlie's jumped them all except for the Modified, and every time is perfect. This day was no different. Yassss son!
Actually, true story: I ran the show jumping in gate at our event last week, and one N/T rider formally withdrew so that she could jump some of the T cross country while out on course. I asked what her plan was, and brought up this very same table. But she demurred, said tables scare her and this one is kinda big. I insisted that this was definitely the one to do, and she ended up finding me again after her round to say that she DID IT and it was GREAT. Heck yes!
So. Yea. Anyway. These tables are flipping fantastic, and there's a seriously awesome shot of Charlie flying over it in the video ;)
our second worst fence of the day, wasn't even really that bad. just a bit deep.
Anyway, tho. Things were basically going perfectly. Charlie was jumping everything out of stride and felt like a finely tuned machine. And yet.... I was honestly still feeling kinda sick. It's just my way, I guess.
And for the next set of jumps on course - the first combination - I was actually totally positive that Sally would start us over the N line. But NOPE, she told me to go straight to the T line. Tho, she was nice and let me jump it backwards (both jumps were symmetrical rolltops) going uphill instead of the downhill as intended.
I ended up coming in a bit quiet to the first and we got suuuper close, but Charlie didn't care, and picked up to move forward to the next without missing a beat. Good boy! This is another one where we have both helmet cam AND cell phone footage. So you get to hear Sally hollering at me to "Press!" twice lol.
Being totally honest, it was actually reassuring to me to have that little mistake there. In a weird way, when everything is too perfect it almost makes me more nervous. Vs when we have little blips here and there, it reminds me that we can deal just fine with imperfection too. In other words, it reminds me that we're not that fragile, we can take a few hits. Our margin of error is growing.
this picture is bananas -- the only video still in the bunch, but what an angle!! it's insane. never in a million years did i ever expect to be able to experience this sensation of flying. god bless, charlie <3 <3
Which. Ya know, haha, is useful bc eventing is NOTHING if not a contact sport. Lololol....
Anyway. From there we moved down to the water. There's an identical green rolltop positioned next to the water - y'all have seen me jump it a bunch of times now. So Sally had us do that, except this time going from the water to the rolltop, instead of rolltop down to water.
Which like, I get her point that in some ways this was easier bc the horses wouldn't see the water through the cutout... But, uh, it's also kinda a steep little uphill to the base of the fence. I shouldn't have worried tho - Charlie fucking JUMPED THE SHIT OUT OF IT OMG. Like, that is the one fence I don't have any external footage of besides my helmet cam and I am SO SAD about that lol.... Bc jesus, he fucking cleared it, wow.
Then, naturally we turned it right around to ride the line going the other way -- tho again, Sally was nice to us and told us to do the N red coop into water then directly to T's B element, the little blue and white half roll you see above. The jump itself is only BN, but it's basically positioned as a drop into water, making it solidly T.
of course, what goes up must also come down. i love the progression of charlie's face as he is like "I AM LEGEND THIS WILL BE MY FINEST MOME--- wait, bish are you seriously about to fall off right now?!?"
I've wanted to do this for a long time, but have always been too scared. Today was the day tho!! And omg Charlie never hesitated for a second. He locked on and just flew over the thing. What a feeling haha!
Tho... Uh, with the drop and slightly deep water, we landed extremely steeply haha. I know it doesn't look like much in the gif, but it felt like I did a handstand on his neck omg. Possibly a more conservative jump over the half roll would've been just a tad more appropriate LOL.
Jesus Charlie.... Nobody can accuse him of lacking enthusiasm!! Tho I kinda love his cranky / annoyed expression when I totally lose my balance and start monkeying around on his back....
no scope no hope!!
Anyway, ahem, haha. After that there wasn't a whole lot left to do for the lesson. We jumped a few more big new-to-us T singles, like the above blue ramp and a bright white cabin nestled in some shaded woods. Both of which Charlie handled beautifully and easily, good boy!
Then moved over to the N half coffin, where Charlie and I actually had some very wonky moments. My best guess is that Charlie was starting to run a little low on reserves. He's SUCH a good boy, but he doesn't like to be drilled.
Esp with all the start/stop of schooling, after he keeps answering the questions perfectly again and again, he'll resent it when you keep asking. This is part of why I like to do lots of shorter sessions, vs trying for the "everything every time" approach. Plus, it turned out his boots had slipped and were bugging him. Kinda a superficial issue, but I think it compounded his feelings of tiredness.
Sally had thought that maybe we could have also done the full T coffin that's back there, that I've never tackled before... But, eh, I wasn't sure it would be worth it on this particular day. So instead we just fixed the half coffin going from ditch to fence, then turned it around fence to ditch for good measure. Then ended there.
this horse, he is just so special <3 <3
All told, we jumped approximately 16 efforts with about 11 minutes of footage recorded on my helmet cam, about 4 minutes of which involved the active jumping that made it into the final video. That's a LOT of action packed into a fairly short amount of time haha.
Overall I didn't have any major big breakthroughs or new takeaways from the ride. Rather, the ride served as almost a proof of concept: Affirmation that Charlie is doing great right now. He's confident, bold, and happy. And scopey, haha. Very very scopey...
Since my first xc lesson with Sally two months ago, I've been working really hard on improving our xc gallop. And it's working. Aside from getting a little nervous going into the rolltop combination, and then being a bit complacent about the N half coffin, we arrived to every fence from a comfortably jumpable distance.
And actually, there were a few times when I felt like we were getting too close to the jumps, but Sally told me that wasn't the case at all. That esp as the jumps get bigger in height and width, you don't really want to be jumping flatly from a long way off. Luckily, Charlie seems to have a pretty reliable eye in this regard.
So... Yea. Obviously I'm just so thrilled for this horse, and so excited for the future <3 And also so freakin pleased with how much fun we're having right now (even if I'm kinda a nervous mess the whole time lol). Here's hoping that our next show (at novice) will feel like a breeze, relatively speaking!
It's been a while since I've had a chance to get over to dressage trainer C's farm. Not for any real reason other than scheduling can be seriously tough sometimes, ya know? For instance, last year her farm started hosting a small series of combined tests. And I've been dying to go to one ever since!
the chariot awaits!!
But ya know. Life and stuff. So I missed all of them last year, and have already missed a few this year. BUT. Finally! This weekend it worked out. Actually, it was extra awesome bc a couple barn mates were going, as were other riding friends including some of my buds from Isabel's farm. It was gonna be a regular old reunion lol!
a charlie in his native habitat. also, heck ya for parking in shade!
This event is super SUPER inviting. Casual, low key, and inexpensive. It costs $65 for the full CT (dressage + show jump round). But you could also mix and match, $45 per dressage test and $20 per jump round. No limit to being able to do the same tests or jump levels repeatedly. Like I said -- very friendly.
every.single.jump is freakin adorable. the poles are all pvc tho which kinda sucks but oh well
And actually, I planned to skip the dressage entirely. At this particular point I don't need to spend $45 on a shitty dressage test when I can haul up to Hilltop for just $5 more, and get my ass handed to me for an hour LOL. Like... I already know we kinda suck. We'll deal with that later.
lots of camaraderie among competitors!
Honestly, at this particular point in my never ending journey to maybe at some point eventually if ever move up a level.... Honestly, I just need to break each phase down. Esp after falling in the show jumping at Full Moon, I wanted a couple smooth focused rounds with no other distractions.
No other warm ups to worry about. No juggling about "saving enough horse" from one phase to the next. Just one item on the to-do list: survive a 3'3 course in a competition(ish) setting.
behold, our seriousness
I signed up for two rounds: one at 3' and one at 3'3. Perfect, right? Charlie is perfectly comfortable at either height, but I can get a little excitable (and not in a good way) when the cups go up a hole.
Except, uh, small snag in the plan. Turns out the CT was running just like most other events in this area: Starting with the highest levels and dropping through the day. Which meant that my 3' time would be after my 3'3 round. So, uh, not exactly serving the "warm up" function I had imagined. Womp.
is this jump field not the absolute most delightful?
I fully admit to feeling seriously squeamish about this. But... Ya know. That's how it'll be at an event. That's how it was at Full Moon too. No warm up rounds at a lower height. Just get in there and lay down your at-height round. Plus, I expected the courses to be friendly and inviting.
just a little bit of terrain, with natural barriers
Obviously you never really know what you're going to get with a jumper course designed by dressage riders who may or may not plan on ever even jumping it haha. Especially when their primary competitors are mostly at the 2'6 and below levels....
But.... it turned out they did a seriously fabulous job. I was actually a little skeptical of one of the outside line distances -- for me it walked in EXACTLY 5.5 on the dot. Which, it's kinda hard to know what to plan for in that sorta situation. Tho trainer C pointed out to me that the line was going slightly uphill, making that distance appropriate.
guys my horse is a saint. also, we match the jump lol
And actually, after I kinda seriously buried Charlie at the in jump, forcing him to corkscrew over it, we ended up doing SEVEN in that line anyway so.... Ha, obviously it was fine.
I'm getting ahead of myself tho. Basically, everything looked really good and really inviting. There weren't even any in-and-outs on course. So I felt like this would be a really good way for us to just get a little more mileage in the show ring at this height.
when i talk about needing to work on our straightness in turns LOL.....
Warm up was a little challenging bc Charlie was ever so slightly LIT. Plus he was being extreeeeemely barn sour, something I hate. But ya know. My one job for the day was to execute. Ride my horse. Don't wait for a big mistake before I get serious. Establish connection, establish canter.
Ya know. All the good things we work on in our lessons, but that I sometimes will let slide when I'm nervous at a show. On this day, I wanted to do my friggin job in the saddle. Mistakes are ok, making the wrong choice is ok. I just wanted active not passive riding.
wheeeeee charlieeeee!!!
And so I actually spent more time warming up than I normally would at a show. Because again, we were just here for two courses. I wasn't gonna run out of horse, ya know? But I *did* want to take the edge off and really establish ourselves in a rhythm. I wanted to feel like we were improving as we warmed up, vs barely holding it together or even falling apart.
Finally tho, it was time. And? Honestly? Our first round was pretty much fine. I was a little tentative and some of our distances weren't great. The feeling I'm looking for is a more forward canter, feeling like I can ride Charlie's hind legs up into the bridle. It's just a bit tricky when he already sorta feels like he's running, and there are a lot of tight turns.
he's a good boy <3
But I think I did a reasonably good job of keeping my leg on. So even tho we messed up a few distances, Charlie never got to a spot that he felt was completely unjumpable.
So I opted to just go immediately back in for my second round at 3'3 too, since it seemed silly to wait for the course reset for 3'. I really really wanted the second round to fix some of the mistakes I made in the first round. And, in some ways it did. Mostly tho, the two rounds were pretty much comparable in efforts.
these end jumps came up fast!
Our first outside line, for instance, was better the second time. The turns were still kinda tricky tho. Especially because Charlie's gate sourness was still extremely prevalent. Turning away from the gate was a bit of a challenge.
Charlie really delivered, tho. Almost all of his jumping efforts were very very good, even tho I didn't have him as straight as I should have, and even tho I still missed a few distances.
nbd tho, charlie was all aces
We had rails in both classes (more in the second than the first, womp), but again -- the rails were all PVC. Which means that not only do they fall more easily, but they don't really feel like anything to the horse, so the horse might become a little less careful as he goes.
And anyway, the day was never supposed to be about rails. Mostly I just wanted to execute without any major errors. Like refusing or falling off LOL. Annoyingly tho, one of our worst fences was the last fence of the second round (below, lol). But like, honestly? I'm ok with it.
well, ahem, we did have a few bloopers in each round obvi lol.... can you believe he still jumped this? good boy, chuck!
In some ways, I actually find it reassuring to make mistakes and have things still basically be ok. Obviously I'd rather not haha. But mistakes are inevitable, and I shouldn't let my fear of them prevent me from continuing to try. So overall it was a net positive, even with experiencing some of the mistakes in these rounds, yet walking away feeling like we more or less survived.
It was also really useful experience for me in terms of information gathering for other things. I love horse showing. I want to go to a horse show. But have been conflicted about what sort of choices to make regarding which divisions to enter.
you're my #1 for sure <3
We've been working really really hard lately. We've been challenging ourselves, and pushing our limits. There are people who I trust completely who think we're ready. But.... Emotionally, even just getting out there to do these simple jumper rounds was very consuming for me.
So.... At least for the immediate future, while I'm excited at the prospect of continuing to challenge ourselves in lessons and schoolings etc, I think we're also due for maybe an easier run. Something that isn't going to give me so much anxiety, or make me lose sleep at night.
happy to chill back at the trailer with a buddy!
We'll get to that later, tho. For now I'm just thrilled that Charlie continues to be a horse who wants to grow with me, ready to tackle each new adventure. Small local stuff like this is so great too, bc so many more of my friends were also able to come and ride. And since obviously the best part of any show is the tailgate afterward, the more the merrier, right?? Lol...
So. Part 1 of my epic weekend plans concluded in a pretty positive fashion. That wasn't all we signed up for tho -- next up is Part 2, another cross country lesson with Sally. This time, with a couple riders and horses far more experienced and advanced than me and Charlie. Would we be able to keep up?? Find out soon lol...
Y'all know that I am a planner. I love planning things. Listing out all the intermediary steps, going through all the small preparations, progressive iterations, etc etc etc. It's kinda my jam. Maybe for reasons you wouldn't quite expect, tho.
Recently in a few conversations, some longtime friends have been surprised to hear me describe myself as intensely nervous and anxious when it comes to this sport. And of course *I* was surprised at *their* surprise haha, bc I felt like I've always been pretty honest about dealing with fear in riding.
hacking out as our warm up. finally got that shot of all the gorgeous spring forsythia that lines so many of the hedge rows in maryland
My sister says it's because I'm so matter of fact about things, people just assume that corresponds to a sense of inner calm or steadiness. Which like, dear god, no it does not haha. But I can see her point.
So anyway. All the planning is basically my defense against crippling anxiety. The whole, "How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time." thing. Visualizing and imagining exactly how I'm going to go about doing something - down to the most particular details - is calming for me. It helps give me a feeling of control over a situation that might otherwise be overwhelming.
trying to look serene and self assured instead of scared shitless. meanwhile charlie is all, "i'm happy for you and ima let you finish, but where is my carrot?!?"
For example, when I'm preparing for a competition I will literally visualize everything: how I'm going to pack the trailer, filling the water containers, cleaning my tack, all the rides leading up to the event, then finally pulling into the venue's driveway, getting my gear set up at the trailer, walking my courses between phases....
ALL of it. I go through it all in my mind, so that once it's actually unfolding in real time, I can hopefully operate a bit more off muscle memory.
It's a double edged sword, tho, something you all also know I've had to contend with in recent years. Bc it turns out that all those plans, all those small steps and processes and regimented preparations, can also turn into a house of cards if I'm not careful. Or a long line of dominoes, just waiting for that *one* misstep before they all go falling.
novice brown house that we've seen a few times before
On a larger scale, this is sorta how I felt about my 2017 season with Charlie. I was so consumed with the "Novice by November" plan, and everything leading up to it, that it robbed me a bit of some of the joy and happiness and satisfaction I should have felt in the day to day moments of Charlie's development.
Specifically - his BN run at Fair Hill. Sure, it wasn't perfect. But it was good. He was a good boy. It should have been fun. But I walked away from the day feeling concerned that it wasn't as "well schooled" of a performance as I felt we needed to stay on track for my move up plans. That we still made too many green mistakes.
Of course, none of that ended up mattering anyway bc the horse's season ended shortly after with surgery. I should have just enjoyed the day. Not worried so much. Ya know? But my own supposed defense mechanism against anxiety had completely undermined me, and instead just created its own manifestation of nerves. Go figure.
this training log table is pretty fucking big. but for whatever reason, the positioning of this line of fences (slightly rising ground off a gently sweeping turn) always rides really well. charlie FLEW over it!
That same domino effect often happens on a smaller scale, too. Like, when my friends and I planned to school cross country a couple weeks ago. That entire day was compartmentalized in my mind. From when I should eat, what tasks had to be done at work (complicated by having client deliveries through the afternoon...), when I should change into riding clothes, what time I'd arrive at the farm, and how long it would take to catch Charlie and get him fed before we headed out.... All of it.
So when my friend let me know she'd be arriving quite a bit earlier than we had originally agreed, I honestly had a meltdown. All those little steps I expected were now totally out the window. And I'd have to hustle and rush a bit -- something I *hate* doing when it comes to horses.
Just the simple act of changing one detail of my plan (the timing) was enough to completely ruffle my feathers. All my carefully tamped-down anxiety came exploding out, and I started thinking that maybe I should just skip it altogether bc my mindset was so utterly shot.
this downhill line gives us grief every single time ugh lol. charlie was a good boy tho!
Luckily tho, my friends are patient with me haha, and everything worked out. The schooling was successful and was just the reminder I needed that Charlie is an amazing horse. Which like, let's be real, THAT is the ultimate antidote to nervousness haha.
At the end of the day, positive experiences and positive mileage will do more for us than anything else in the battle against nervousness and fear. Sometimes we just have to get out there and do the things to learn that, yea it's actually ok. We're ok. It's all fine. And FUN.
But yea. In case it isn't glaringly obvious by this point, I'm a pretty special blend of neurotic over here haha. But hey, admitting you have a problem is the first step toward doing something about it, right? Or at least, that's sorta what I had in mind when I sketched out my goals for the year, and included "Be Flexible" among them haha.
i've lost count of how many times we've jumped this red boat house haha. it's a great jump tho!
Yes -- it's important to make plans. Big goals aren't achieved by accident, ya know? And challenging myself and overcoming obstacles (literally and figuratively) are major components of the joy and satisfaction I derive from this crazy sport haha.
But. BUT. I just cannot let myself become consumed by the plans. There has to be a balance. The final step in any plan has to become some variation of "Adapt, Evolve, Overcome" lol.
This week has been a perfect microcosm of how this whole cycle plays out in my mind, too. We have our season opener on Sunday (possibly jinxing myself even writing this but #whatevskis). Our first event since September, and first away event since August. It's been a while, and I feel a ton of uncertainty about how things will go.
Naturally, as is the Charlie Way, this has been complicated by less-than-ideal preparations. The month off for stepping on that nail. Last weekend's plans blown to smithereens when the horse was alarmingly stiff. Etc etc etc. I can rationalize anything, including finding ample reason to set my nerves ablaze.
we jumped this guy again! had not quite as good a distance as last time, but it was still just as easy for chuck. i'll take it!
In a way, tho, I think that early season Nail Incident was maybe a blessing. Yes, I have big scary ambitious goals for this year and the years to come. But also, Yes. Things are going to happen that are out of my control and I can't let those things color my perception or take over my mindset.
The nail was a reminder right off the bat about that whole "Be Flexible" thing. To not become so consumed by what I want my "outcomes" for the year to be that I lose sight of enjoying all the intermediary steps along the way.
Like schooling cross country again this week. I knew I wanted to get out before our show this weekend. Didn't have to do a ton, but wanted to have a fresh memory and fresh reflexes. I planned out which jumps I wanted to tackle (a combination of N & T fences, most of which we've done before), and in what order. Planned out how we'd conduct our warm up (25min hack through the woods, then off to jomp the jompies!). All the plans haha.
training ramp that we jumped for the first time a couple weeks ago. you can see the green novice ramp to the right
But still. Starting around midday at work that day, I could feel the anxiety start to creep in. That vague nebulous feeling of impending.... something. It's such an awful feeling. But like, there IS something good in there, right?
Positive anticipation can be an extremely powerful force. I read some article years ago about how people tended to be happier in the lead up to a vacation than they were during the actual trip itself. That the expectation of fun and happiness was itself enough to make the person happy.
Which makes me feel like I'm in some ways kinda doing it wrong haha, with the negative anxiety etc., but maybe in other ways I'm already kinda halfway there? Like maybe if there's some sort of way to wrestle in those feelings of anxiety and tell myself they're because I'm looking forward to doing something fun?
So just as those nerves started creeping in and I began to get that hollow feeling of dread ahead of our planned xc school.... Well. Honestly? I kinda sat myself down for a little pep talk. This is supposed to be fun. I want to jump cross country fences. I love galloping my horse. And my horse is a good boy who also loves jumping. I should be looking forward to schooling, not dreading it.
meta data for the ride
And this is why they say visualization is such a powerful tool haha. Just by force of reminding myself about all the good feelings associated with riding my horse on cross country, I was able to translate at least some of those nerves into positive anticipation.
Which then translated into what was honestly a pretty good school. Not perfect, not by a long shot. Charlie and I are both rusty haha. And the time off definitely did not do my eye any favors.
But that's ok. It was fun, we jumped all the things I wanted to jump. Strung some stuff together to mimic coursework. Jumped a couple bigger things to ensure the weekend's course looks small. Practiced jumping up and down hills (the *down* still being particularly challenging lol). And practiced our "start box style" going away from the barn.
And it was all good. Charlie ate everything up. Was relaxed and happy about it all, which helped me stay relaxed and happy too. Overall we logged about ~5min of cantering with an average speed of roughly 370mpm. Which, not so coincidentally, will be about what we're expected to do on Sunday.
Charlie felt great for that. He's not at peak fitness, but he's more than ready for this level of exertion. Me? Well... my lungs were burning haha. But I was happy. And that's what matters.
So here's to putting those anxiety monsters to rest. To planning out what we can, setting ourselves up for success as much as possible, but then allowing ourselves to sit back and enjoy the ride. And allow ourselves to have fun, and let all the rest roll off our backs.
And here's to hoping I can cling on to that mentality through the weekend lol.... Wish me luck!
MCTA needs volunteers for the upcoming USEA Horse Trials at Shawan Downs. The competition is held over the weekend of May 4-5, although volunteer positions are available throughout preparations the whole week prior. If you're local, please consider signing up! No previous experience is needed, and it's a great way to spend the day at a beautiful Maryland venue, watching world class riders like Boyd Martin gallop around!
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Ok, moving on. As I already mentioned, one big advantage of spending the day at Moven with Amelia last weekend was getting to tag along for her coach's Training and Prelim course walks.
This is the 3rd recognized T course I've walked from nose to tail (4th overall if you include starters). My impression remains..... well, impressed. Esp coming hot on the heels of that MDHT unrecognized T course, this was a much needed reality check.
course walk meta data via Altitude Profile app
Charlie and I have a LOT of work to do before I'd feel comfortable aiming him at this entire course in one go. Schooling-wise, tho? Tbh, most of this course looks like something I'd be relatively comfortable trying out in schooling conditions. Which at least is a good sign lol.
From a meta-data perspective, it wasn't the most intense in the world. Not terribly long at just over 2km (which includes my extra steps for walking around each jump) and with some gently rolling terrain. The max change in elevation is only 12m, far shy of the ~30m we'd see at Fair Hill. We have access to ~25-30m hills at home for fitness work, so this Morven terrain looks well within hand.
full height log at fence 1, with the table at fence 4 looming in the background
From there, tho, the course immediately begins testing my gumption haha. With a full height log immediately out of the start gate. The log doesn't look like much, but it *is* tall.
I really need to get serious about testing Charlie's and my "start box style" haha bc if we can't get out of the gates reasonably well, jumps like this just aren't going to be kind to us. Like we learned at Plantation, too, if Charlie takes enough hard knocks at the beginning of a course, he's a lot more likely to want to quit on me.
nice coop with cutouts
Anyway, tho, the course starts with a little loop. I didn't like riding a loop at the beginning when we did it at our Novice at Loch Moy last year, mostly bc it keeps repeating the whole "leaving the start" feeling. But this loop actually looked fine. Jump 2 had an inviting approach and was just a reasonable coop.
A trend on this course: some of these simpler jumps are also extremely wide between the flags - makes for easy steering haha!
steeplechase rolltop - wiiiiide but inviting
After coming around the loop, this steeplechase fence is pointed directly at the start box. So, probably Charlie would grab the bit and drag me over this thing trying to go back home again haha. This fence in particular looks pretty big to me, but it has a very kind profile to the horses. I'd typically expect to see this style fence topped with brush to keep the horses "up," but this one has a log on top.
max everything table + mushroooms. gulp.
Jump 4 isn't as tall as the brush fence later on course, but in every other regard it's the biggest on course. With the start box immediately to our right, it's possible that Charlie would be a bit distracted or uncommitted. Plus. Ya know. These tables are still pretttty terrifying to me haha. Details, details.
trakehner, seems like the ridges on the log might help keep the eye UP??
Assuming we survived the table, and were able to successfully continue galloping away from the start box, this trakehner comes up after just a little bit more of a gallop. I actually thought this was one of the more inviting trakehners I've seen. But who knows. Again, this is a style jump that Charlie and I have virtually no experience with, and that really needs to change.
straight forward feeder
After the trakehner, we would cross a mucky little stream section, then continue on to the biggest uphill portion of this course, catching this simple feeder along the way. This jump poses zero concerns to me. Obvi tho anything could happen haha - at Plantation we got high-centered on a coop, for chrissakes.
double up banks seem doable but would take some riding
Continuing up the hill to the highest elevation point on course, we meet this double up bank. Charlie *has* schooled this question before, although he wasn't particularly thrilled or keen about it. Having had that experience tho, I feel like I'd know what I needed to do to ride Charlie through this. And it still looks better going up than it would in the reverse LOL.
very kind line, even if the fences are big
Looping away from the double ups, we reach this line that's very similar to the Novice variation I did with Isabel at Loch Moy, except obvi with T jumps. And they aren't even flagged A-B.
chunky but friendly roll top
Charlie has demonstrated enough confidence with the size of T jumps, including styles more technical than these, that I would expect these jumps to go well for us and feel reasonably confident that we could accomplish them today with minimal fuss.
tallest fence on course, but horses fucking love brush fences amirite?
Returning down the hill, we have a nice inviting approach to this brush fence, the tallest fence on course. Bonus is that it's heading back toward the barns. Charlie's favorite lol. My experience with brush fences is that horses generally read them very well, and can really attack them.
Isabel even jumped a fence pretty similar in size to this one above, and jumped it beautifully. You can see just the tips of the brush framing the bottom edge of Isabel's picture on my side bar to the right. So again, I feel like this is something Charlie and I are ready to take a shot at in schooling.
friendly half coffin too
Then to the half coffin - something I'd honestly feel reasonably confident with seeing on course in competition right now. This *is* a question we've schooled, and that Charlie has demonstrably handled well again and again and again. We've more commonly seen the ditch as the A vs the B element, but we *have* done it both ways.
look how much space there is between the flags for this coop!
Then a galloping sweeping turn to this large but inviting coop with a slight downhill landing, wherein again Charlie would quite possibly grab the bit and take off with me haha. Charlie's handled this type of downhill jump pretty well in schooling, so I'd expect it to be fine.
not even flagged on course, and yet this weird ditch-like stream crossing kinda freaked me out the most LOL
Next we thread the needle between some Prelim and Intermediate combinations at this weird ditchy stream crossing. Training could more or less pick your line, and you can see that the stream bed is fairly wide (maybe 4-5'ish feet?) and flat at the bottom. But with the water and steep banks in and out, I honestly have no real clue what Charlie would do here haha.
with a sneaky jump immediately on that bending line up from the creek bed!
He'd probably try to jump it, but only god knows what sort of dance moves that would entail. So that kinda makes me a little nervous, esp bc the course designer did in fact knit this little fold of terrain into a fun T question. Coming away immediately from the stream bank is a quick right turn to this log jump.
it's a forgiving jump tho
It's a gentle question, tho, and one that should be reasonably easy to answer if you have any semblance of control at this point lol. Again, while this particular situation makes me a little nervous, and while I don't feel like we're ready to see it in competition, I'd LOVE to school it. And am maybe now brainstorming ways to put something sorta similar together at our own farm that's crisscrossed with little streams.
this bending line combination is not even close to anything charlie and i have schooled
Anyway. Following that, there's a nice lengthy gallop back from the far end of the course. Likely a point that Charlie would be really hauling ass haha. Then, boom, this bending line + accuracy question. Beam jump, bending to the right, to a corner on a bit of an open angle.
bonus shrubbery right smack in the middle of the corner's face, daring your horse to glance off to the open left side
Plus that fucking bush. Ugh. Yea. This..... This corner is nowhere near as inviting as those corners at Loch Moy a couple weeks ago haha. Charlie has been jumping bending lines in stadium courses for years now, but we've never seen anything quite like this on xc.
Remember last week when I talked about bitting for xc and used the example of a turning question late on course?? Yea. Well. Here it fucking is LOL. As of right now, this isn't something I want to see on course in competition. Maybe I'm not even quite brave enough to school it yet. But perhaps some softer variation of it will make it into our rides?
actually possibly friendlier than that table from 4
Ahem. Anyway, moving right along lol. This wagon actually doesn't really bother me, which is maybe surprising. I like the hay bales as a ground line. And the jump is smaller than the table we would have already jumped at this point. Plus, heading toward home, I'd expect it to be maybe fine. But ya know. Possibly we should just school some big tables in general, just to be sure ;)
not a big fence, but possibly a big question, since it looks and rides almost like a drop into water
This water bugs me out just a little bit. Like I think Charlie could totally do it just fine, but we'd probably need to warm up to it. Like, say, by cantering in and out of the water alone a few times. Then maybe doing the above and below jumps separately. Which, on this course, would be totally allowed even in competition. Time consuming, but legal.
backside of the fences gives you a better feel for the drop
I appreciate that it's such a kind fence going into the water. But Charlie (and I) have limited experience with this, and we definitely need to school it in a progressive manner so as to avoid developing any sorta baggage.
then turn immediately to this reasonable brush fence out of the water. car for scale.
Coming out of the water looks fine tho, just another ramped brush fence. Again, it's a biggish fence but not the biggest on course. And horses love brush fences. And the barns are right there in front of us haha, so presumably Charlie would be happily drawn in toward home.
final fence is a simple beam. not something i personally love the look of, but after everything else it should jump easy haha
Then, the final fence - another beam not dissimilar to the A element of the earlier bending line. I don't love it but I don't hate it, and feel reasonably confident that Charlie would jump it today if we happened to see it on course anywhere.
Thus wraps Morven Park's T XC course walk. Overall, putting all the above together in one go feels very, very far away right now. We have some very clear gaps and unknowns. Hopefully tho, by gathering this information, I can continue working on filling those gaps and making sure our schooling mileage keeps moving us in the right direction.
Plus, now I have some fun ideas for schooling using the resources I already have on hand at home haha. And quiiiiite possibly an idea involving some manner of godforsaken shrubbery lol. What do you think, does anything in this course look like something you'd want a shot at? Either in the current form, or perhaps some other slight variation?
