on taking the plunge

I participated in my 75th yoga class this week, which feels like a good milestone moment to check in on what I’ve learned and what it means for me, particularly through the lens of my horsey endeavors and goals for the year. 

Not so much from a physical tactical exposition of how the poses align with good equitation (answer: they do!) or whether that means I’ve seen massive improvements in my own position as a result (answer: not really!). But rather, there are other observations I’ve made from the practice that resonate possibly on a deeper level.

“oh boy, here she goes again….” — doozy, probably

In particular, a teacher offhandedly mentioned the book Eastern Body, Western Mind in class one day, so naturally I downloaded it. While driving to our first event last month, I listened to the chapter on a parable of describing a stream — first from the perspective of an observer on the banks, and then again from the perspective of being fully immersed in the stream.

Perhaps, while observing from the banks, you might note the stream’s size, width, color, the surrounding foliage, how it looks and sounds. But upon taking that step down from edge and into the stream, your perception might change entirely. Now you might describe the stream from a more sensory perspective — the temperature of the water, the texture of the riverbed beneath your feet, the push and pull of currents.

everything looks (and feels!) a little different from that first person perspective!

The gist is that there are two modes of “knowing” a thing: observing from the outside, vs experiencing from within. Description vs participation. And that there’s this threshold moment, transition, inflection point when you take that step into.

Obviously readers who have been around for a while (or perhaps even just those observant enough to note the title of this website) will know I’ve spent a lot of time grappling with the subjects of fear, anxiety and confidence. And this little parable about observing the stream from outside vs inside is, I think, an illuminating way to consider the idea of anxiety. 

Anxiety is inherent to the transition, the decision to act, to step in. It’s a visceral response to this idea of crossing into uncertainty. We can spend a lot of time thinking about why that is — perhaps it’s fear of failure, performance anxiety, fear of the unknown… Maybe it’s all of those things. 

casually observing professionals doing professional things from the sidelines is… not quite the same

To observe from the sidelines maybe feels safer, there’s more control, more predictability, less exposure. There are different levels of proximity, too — for example, if we’re thinking about horse shows, observing from the distance of a volunteer at a show, or going to cheer on a friend, is ‘closer’ than watching a video on social media. And maybe this sorta incremental inching closer to the edge is a way to create familiarity or “dip your toes in.” 

But I think the point of the story that sticks with me is that it is the act of immersion itself that changes perception and perspective. 

I’ve often said that I love volunteering bc it normalizes the whole horse show experience — including witnessing countless little (or big) mistakes throughout the day that generally are just nbd, just part of the process, and not worth letting yourself get paralyzed from action bc of them.

pictured: not quite the same LOL, but still fun ;)

That’s not really what this story is saying, tho. Rather, it’s saying that the act itself is experienced so differently from however you may have described it as an observer, that it bears almost no resemblance. In other words, ‘how it looks’ never truly encompasses how it feels. Which means it’s possible to miss key details, perhaps the most important.

And this can cut both ways, right? Like at one of my worst ever horse shows with Charlie, at Plantation Field, where we retired after multiple refusals… We have literally ALL seen horses have refusals. It happens. It’s not the end of the world. But in that moment? To me? Well. The fact that I’m still talking about it all these years later is clear enough indication that the experience left a heavy mark.

Meanwhile, last month when Doozy and I had a refusal on course… the experience itself was completely different, and in fact I still walked away feeling like we’d had a great day — even tho literally anybody could have looked at the scoresheet after the fact and pegged our performance as ‘poor.’

fun fact — i was SUPER ANNOYED at Area II Champs last year bc i forgot to pack a saddle pad for show jumping and had to settle for a janky trailer spare… but tell me (and be honest) — who noticed the mouse pee before i pointed it out??

For me, that’s kinda the big lesson here. That what we might have thought from the outside often shifts when we’re actually in the moment, doing the thing. Perceptions of what might constitute failure — or success! — can shift from hypothetical to contextual, becoming less about judgment and more about adjustment.

For me, recognizing this is actually helping me grow my confidence. It’s not just a matter of feeling more prepared or more ‘ready,’ but actually that repeatedly immersing myself in the experience proves that, ‘Yes, I can handle this!’ and that the existential feelings of doom and dread of possible failure are… maybe actually a bit overblown. Actually, the water’s fine!

constantly working hard to reframe my goal… it’s not about eliminating anxiety or perfect performance… but just simply getting in and trusting it 

And back to the 75 yoga classes, obviously it’s not a perfectly analogous activity to leaving the start box on cross country… the scope and scale is obviously entirely different. But it’s still a matter of showing up. Getting into the moment. Practicing doing the thing, getting into the flow. Repeatedly proving to myself that, “Yep I can!”

I think, for me at least and ymmv, integrating this sort of practice and intentionality has been a big longterm goal for me. Horses are hard, the sport is hard, it can be a rollercoaster. But actually, at the end of the day, there’s nothing quite like the feeling of actually splashing around in the stream, experiencing it first hand!

good day at the races

We had another eventful weekend around these parts — with Doozy’s second horse trial of the year, and third go at BN!!

“are we running and jumping today??” — Doozy

For a variety of reasons, I opted to go to Loch Moy again even tho there were actually a few different Area II events running this weekend… What can I say but that we just love the Maryland Horse Trials?? 

overlooking xc without a care in the world #trailerpro

And anyway, I’m still basically entirely focused on establishing confidence and relaxation in both of us. Not that we need an excuse to keep returning to the same venue, obvi, esp such an awesome venue, but there’s something to be said for familiarity. Ooooh and volunteer credits haha, this event was almost entirely paid for, ka-ching!

still not sure where that gorgeous full tail came from!

Doozy was an absolute superstar, too. Like, even in the dressage. Sure, our warm up was not even close to our best work. But it was just ‘run-of-the-mill’ not good, vs being “that horse” level of not good. 

for as frustrating as our reliably terrible dressage is, i’m not-so-secretly loving our growing collection of Big Brown ribbons!

The test was a bit the same too. Just… Ya know. Not great. And not as good as last time (presumably in part bc I didn’t have Dan yelling at me to get my shit together this time…). Definitely not a competitive test, tho the 2.0 for cantering our final center line (oops) and 5.0 on the harmony collective x2 coefficient really crushed final score, womp. 

anyway. who cares about dressage when we could be JOMPING!

In the spirit of full disclosure, I admit to feeling significantly frustrated and demoralized when I saw the score too… Not so much for being in last place, bc… obvi lol. But the spread was so extreme — we were more than 20pts off the leader. Which, real talk, is ALSO not a first for us haha (at MCTA two years ago we were, ahem, 40pts off)… But like. Damn, lol. Sigh.

jump 1 claimed many victims, including at least two horses right before us. not doozy tho!

Luckily the pity party didn’t last, tho, and eventually it was time to jump. 

This sport is hard for so many different reasons. The rider at the next trailer over said how she just started eventing last year and already discovered all manner of frustrating ways to get eliminated. I could also see the show jumping ring and most of xc from our trailer too — and witnessed some obnoxious refusals, rider falls, and horses straight up noping out, kthxbai. 

this line along the ivy wall caused issues too. we had the rail at 3 but were ok

Neither Doozy nor I are particularly good at the flatwork, and it shows… But damn. The jumping part?? Well ok haha, we aren’t exactly perfect at that either — but we LIKE it and IT’S FUN. And at this point, that is reward enough, amirite?? 

nice shot at the big blue oxer!

So anyway, onto the show jumping warm up, where Doozy was again extremely civilized. They didn’t have a steward bc of volunteer shortages, so we basically made quick work of it (including jumping a couple warm up fences that clearly had not been reset from N) before heading down to the in gate to wait our turn. 

helmet cam video of the round!

Wherein, no joke, each of the three horses ahead of us at the gate were one after the other eliminated on refusals. Two at the first jump, and the other after cumulative issues on course. So… yea. Turns out, this sport is just plain hard!

Doozy and I went in ready to go, tho, with my biggest focus just keeping her in front of the leg, letting her travel, and trying to find opportunities to let the new bit do the work for me, instead of me constantly hanging on. And? It was good!

the xc course was a little short but had plenty to do!

Not perfect, but totally good!! We got good shots to mostly everything, stayed mostly in front of the leg, and I definitely like the new bit a LOT! Tho I obviously need a little more time calibrating myself to it, since once or twice I whoa’ed WAY more than I needed to — like into the in-and-out*, where we added — But Doozy never got offended or rattled by it, and stayed positive the whole way around! And felt like she was jumping well too!

(*Which apparently IS a thing at BN now — they had one at Morven’s recognized event last weekend too!) 

past experiences have taught me that turning away from warm up to 3, and then the long downhill pull to 4 (dead ahead) can ride really behind the leg if you aren’t ready for it

The level definitely feels easy for her, which is reassuring especially after it took us so long to move up while we sorted out how to survive all the rest of a busy show day haha… And also reassuring bc basically by the time we get to cross country, it definitely feels like all the hardest work is behind us, and now we just get to enjoy the good stuff!

we were ready for it tho, and it went fine!

Obvi I’d never celebrate my fellow competitors having a bad day, but it was kinda nice arriving to xc warm up with the whole place to ourselves, and the start box ready and open, since the three riders before me had been eliminated in sj. Doozy and I made a quick pass over a single roll top, headed for the box, and took off!

first time jumping this table, it’s a good one!

This month’s course had a clockwise configuration that imho seems to flow very nicely after the first few. Those first few, tho, they will absolutely break your heart — 2 and 3 turned us away from warm up, then a straight downhill run to 4. I’m notoriously terrible at riding downhill, but the new bit really helped me rate Doozy without getting totally up in her face, and she stayed nicely in front of the leg. 

opted for the blue house at the option

They gave us a cute little bending line to turn back toward the water, catching a nice big table on the way and then an option between a left corner and a blue house. Doozy has jumped the corner before just fine, but after last month’s funny little run out to the left at a different blue house, I was inclined this time to 1) protect the left side and not repeat the same mistake; and 2) jump the blue thing. So that’s what we did!

we rode this in reverse last month, did a slightly better job this time around!

Then a lovely cruise to the boat house into the water, which Doozy naturally smoked like the natural xc machine she is. Then downhill again to a little roll top that I was again intentional about not getting too fussy and backwards with the downhill approach. 

quite a nice little line for BN — ditch to that little hanging pole dead ahead

It was a short-ish course, idk how many meters but probably not more than 1,500, so we were just about finished at this point — just a quick line from the ditch to a small hanging pole that I slightly biffed bc I forgot what it walked in (6, not 5, Emma!), but it was nbd. 

easy over the finish!

Then an easy cruise up the hill to the finish line!! And Doozy was so good!! Barely breathing hard, and not nearly as sweaty or tired as last month. Sure it was a little cooler this weekend, but it’s also just amazing to me how quickly thoroughbreds put on condition LOL.

short course means it’s a short-ish video too!

Anyway, tho, it was an immensely fun little romp around. And also clear that Doozy is starting to recognize the game too. Like she knew it was over, knew we were done, and was relaxed and calm right away, good girl!

such a fun horse on cross country <3 <3

There really isn’t anything quite like the feeling of finishing a good cross country round too. A timely reminder for me, especially after feeling a bit dejected about the dressage. Obvi we’ll keep working on the flatwork, it’s not like we aren’t trying, ya know? 

cheesin’ after our rounds!

But in the meantime, we’ll work with what we got, and get on with the running and jumping lol. 

snacks before heading home again

There are certainly worse ways to spend a day, amirite?

princess mode

Doozy has been an absolute princess this week, and lucky me — there’s actually media to prove it!! Jumping media, woot woot!

nbd just casually being a total princess <3

Tho, me being me, I’m still going to try to combine a couple recent activities into one post, so feel free to skip ahead to the video if that’s your thing.

obligatory “snacks at the trailer” pic

Anyway. We’ve kept a full dance card this week after last week’s travel — esp in preparation for another upcoming go at Loch Moy. So earlier this week we had our regularly scheduled dressage lesson with trainer C, followed by a routine chiro / acupuncture appt, and then an easy breezy jump school at home.

did a drive-by of our vet’s office on the way to our lesson to get a microchip number!

The dressage lesson was another good one — focusing on the same areas we’ve been building on with trainer C. In particular, more and better leg yields and spirals, and trot and canter loops. The canter loop I think is from test 1-2 or 1-3 maybe, not sure, and introduces counter canter.

smartest biscuit can smell the future flowers

I’ve always loved counter canter — Charlie was legit the best at it, plus it was the #1 exercise to get him straight, in front of the leg and on the aids without making him fizzy or pissy. Doozy’s proving to be pretty decent at it too, tho her left lead is stronger right now. She seems to like the complexity of needing to focus on it and it’s useful in the same ‘proactive’ way I’ve been writing about already.

obligatory picture of the latest in stabby jabbies!

It was an interesting lesson tho bc we continue to peel back layers of Doozy’s insecurity. She’s learning to hold a lovely tempo — and particularly learning to find that tempo again after a gait change or disruption or whatever. And she was able to be softer in her overall posture within that tempo too. 

ooooh and actual action shots omg!

Tho it’s almost like she feels a little more vulnerable in that soft open balance, vs the tight rigid ‘on-the-muscle’ feeling she so often has. She almost got a little more spooky and ADHD while we were cantering thru the loop exercise, like she’s less sure of herself. But she held it together and did nicely, and was able to regain the soft balance again if we lost it. 

look at us trotting a crossrail all casual and low key <3

It’s really an exciting feeling, like she’s really thinking and learning. Doozy is such an overachiever, it can be tricky when she’s like, ‘I KNOW we are going to canter, so can’t we just get on with it?’ but it’s like some of these exercises — like the spiral — are turning into almost cheat-codes, where she’s like, “OH, ok, I recognize this pattern, fine.”

and the little boxes too!

Truly amazing what regular lessons and practice can do, amirite?? LOL…

*pats self on back for setting up an oxer lol*

Speaking of which!! We also had a lovely jump school! With media omg!! Our first jumps after Loch Moy were in a lesson with Sally about a week and a half ago, then I jumped a few little things at home too — again just really trying to reestablish the whole ‘routine practice’ thing. 

when the horse lands more organized than you expected lol

And then this week I knew I wanted to fit in a schooling session once the ring dried out. Most of the jumps were already in place but I reset the heights for our purposes — including giving myself two oxers, something I don’t always do LOL… And also shifted one combination into a 21’ in and out of verticals.

she has the sweetest expressions
(and giantest nostrils!)

Overall a nice set of singles to catch off both leads from various straight or bending approaches. Plus a set of 3 ground poles at 9’, and a cross rail with trot pole at 7’ for warming up. 

still gave myself a placing pole into the combo

Of particular interest to me was our gear for the day — I’m experimenting with Charlie’s saddle again since it didn’t sell after a year at consignment, and it’s truly my favorite saddle in the world. Our County is lovely, don’t get me wrong, but this l’Apogee is just… ugh, my favorite <3 

I might look into re-panelling it for Doozy, actually, since perhaps it’ll be easier to sell the County anyway? Idk. We’ll see. 

#GridSavant

I also am trying out a new bit for our jumping too: it’s a knockoff verbindend mouth piece with bevel cheeks. My intention is to give myself more reliable braking power so that I’m more trusting that it’ll be there when I need it, vs needing to hang on to the ‘e-brake’ nonstop. 

ooooh and a second oxer too, go me!

And so far I really like it!! We actually first wore it in Doozy’s first ride back after my trip last week, and I tried to be really clear about establishing a pattern of a big clear whoa into down transition (not necessarily a heavy aid, but aiming for a faster more crisp response), followed by a big clear release. It seemed to work, and Doozy didn’t seem at all offended by it. So far so good!

full video of our jump school!!

Tho to be honest, Doozy was on a whole ‘nother plane of perfection for this jump school. Idk what was in her wheaties this morning but she was just like… The happiest fucking camper in the whole universe omg! Literally perfect, no notes. 

Like, ok, sure, notes for the rider, obviously. Always. Like, Emma, please stop jumping the left side of every fence, for fucks sake, ok? 

the best biscuit <3 <3 <3

But the horse?? So good <3 So perfect <3 Who knows why LOL, she’s a mercurial critter, it’s hard to understand the rhythms and currents of her tension vs relaxation. 

Rides like this, tho… It’s like, “OMG Holy Shit, she IS getting trained!!” Slowly but surely, amirite?

spring dun sprung

It’s kinda hilarious because I was in Minneapolis for most of last week, where it, ahem, SNOWED OMG. And then right back to 80*F here in Maryland… Well, ok, it’s 60*F again after a little spring showers, but still.

pictured: NEON GREEN OMG
(and also a fox that you can’t see but doozy sure as shit can!)

We’ve had enough warmth and strong sun that it’s officially green around these parts! Sorry if you have tree pollen allergies lol bc even just these pictures might be enough to make you sneeze!

the big trees are still mostly bare but all the smaller blossoming types are in full bloom!
from here we’ll travel down the central valley crease all the way to the right before going into the woods to eventually emerge again by those top left trees

Obvi with the aforementioned spring showers, our outdoor ring closed again, but it would be a crime to ride indoors on a day like this, so Doozy and I snuck out for a little wander around the hillsides and neighboring woods <3

woods are not super green yet

I personally love capturing the changing of seasons through familiar photos of our favorite hacking haunts… Tho for those of you who feel like once you’ve seen one “between the ears” shot, you’ve seen them all… Well. Feel free to skip ahead to the cat gif at the end of the post — that one’s just for you!

ooooh but we made it all the way down to the stream bottom!! doozy was not as excited about it as i was LOL

Anyway, tho, obvi with my travel last week, Doozy got a bit of time off. Maybe not ideal, but also not really any sort of deal — let alone a ‘big’ one — these days either. Doozy’s first flat school after 5 days of no riding was… perfectly normal, no antics, just a nice little wtc ride! 

as you can see, this path is often blocked by fallen trees

Maybe the horse is finally growing up a bit that she can just be normal after a little time off? Or, maybe more realistically, I’m doing better about setting expectations for myself and riding proactively?? Like, Doozy probably isn’t going to be the type of horse that you can just say, ‘eh let’s just have an easy relaxed ride!’ Not that it can’t BE easy and relaxed, it just can’t in the absence of clear and proactive guidance.

climbing back up again

Doozy will fill whatever voids or vacuums you leave her, and usually not the way you would have chosen! 

verdant green fields are like a siren’s song

She’s been good, tho. Our last couple rides before my trip were solid too — including another lesson with Sally from which there is exactly zero media, sorry. It was at a new to us farm, too — one that was slightly more convenient driving traffic-wise for a week day.  

ooooh but first, doozy’s favorite sort of target LOL

And Doozy was good! Slightly wild, since it was our first time jumping since Loch Moy. Wanting to call the shots a bit. Tho we incorporated a lot of trotting cavaletti at the start of each exercise, and I tried to stay consistent and steady without getting totally in her face. 

i call this “reading the news” haha

I wouldn't say she really got ‘better’ tho until we finished with slightly larger jumps and more of them strung together in courses vs ‘one-at-a-time.’ The starting and stopping is the hardest part for Doozy, well. Especially the starting. She likes to try to turn herself inside out and get really inverted and hopping with anticipation. 

popping back out by those pretty blossoming trees again!

Sally mostly wasn’t worried about it, tho did advise that I do my best to keep us straight. It’s her experience that once a horse starts going sideways it can be a really difficult habit to resolve. This feels like a timely bit of feedback for us too, especially as I continue to experiment with ways to let Doozy travel more fluidly forward with less restriction in the bridle. 

it’s like an emergence metaphor or something <3

One approach has been to integrate more intentional lateral work into especially our canters — as you may recall we practiced with trainer C in our last lesson. The benefits are twofold with this exercise: 1) it keeps me focused on intentionally telling Doozy what to do, where to go, vs reactively just holding her back; and 2) it reinforces the leg aids as a balancing, organizing tool vs just noise and “omg it’s touching me!” 

back out in the big hay fields, next stop will be by that pink circle

My longer term hope is to get schooled enough with the intentional lateral work at all gaits that we can almost get the feeling of replicating the in and out spiral feelings, but even just from one step to the next. And that this lateral work, more rapidly (but also on more miniature scale) suppling from side to side, will make it easier to break up Doozy’s longitudinal nose-to-tail tension and tendency toward inversion so that we can actually stay straighter. 

as promised, heading back to the barn yard

It doesn’t sound like it should make sense — using lateral work to stay straighter vs risking running sideways as an evasion… But in practice it feels like it works — feels like it helps prevent Doozy from shortening so much in her neck? 

doozy! look pretty!! i want people to notice what’s different!

Idk lol, the trick is to remember the approach when we’re actually in the moment while jumping around a course! 

doozy, c’mon!! i want ‘Vanna White,’ not “living in a van”

Soon enough, soon enough. Well. Hopefully VERY soon lol… And in the meantime we’ll have another dressage lesson with trainer C, possibly right at the very moment you’re reading this! 

“what did you just say to me??” — doozy

And also hopefully soon another lesson with Dan… As is predictable, rallying the troops to schedule something at home is hard to do in the best of times, so we’ll see. It may be that we travel to him next time instead.

it’s cool, virtual cookies to anybody who notices what’s different in these pics

Basically just trying to get all the lessons all the time right now LOL, but gettin done what needs doing in the meantime as needed. 

and anyway. cats. 
it’s important to note that Ol Geezer is growling basically nonstop here LOL

That’s the nice thing about Doozy getting more grown up — it’s getting easier and easier to plan out predictable practice sessions to make the most of our time between lessons. I’m also experimenting with a few equipment changes too, tho more on that later. 

In the meantime, spring is here. It’s lovely, and we’re 100% getting into the swing of it! Hope y’all are enjoying it too!! Or at least not suffering too much from allergies!