defusing the anxiety monster

Y'all know that I am a planner. I love planning things. Listing out all the intermediary steps, going through all the small preparations, progressive iterations, etc etc etc. It's kinda my jam. Maybe for reasons you wouldn't quite expect, tho.

Recently in a few conversations, some longtime friends have been surprised to hear me describe myself as intensely nervous and anxious when it comes to this sport. And of course *I* was surprised at *their* surprise haha, bc I felt like I've always been pretty honest about dealing with fear in riding.

hacking out as our warm up. finally got that shot of all the gorgeous spring forsythia that lines so many of the hedge rows in maryland

My sister says it's because I'm so matter of fact about things, people just assume that corresponds to a sense of inner calm or steadiness. Which like, dear god, no it does not haha. But I can see her point.

So anyway. All the planning is basically my defense against crippling anxiety. The whole, "How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time." thing. Visualizing and imagining exactly how I'm going to go about doing something - down to the most particular details - is calming for me. It helps give me a feeling of control over a situation that might otherwise be overwhelming.

trying to look serene and self assured instead of scared shitless. meanwhile charlie is all, "i'm happy for you and ima let you finish, but where is my carrot?!?"

For example, when I'm preparing for a competition I will literally visualize everything: how I'm going to pack the trailer, filling the water containers, cleaning my tack, all the rides leading up to the event, then finally pulling into the venue's driveway, getting my gear set up at the trailer, walking my courses between phases....

ALL of it. I go through it all in my mind, so that once it's actually unfolding in real time, I can hopefully operate a bit more off muscle memory.

It's a double edged sword, tho, something you all also know I've had to contend with in recent years. Bc it turns out that all those plans, all those small steps and processes and regimented preparations, can also turn into a house of cards if I'm not careful. Or a long line of dominoes, just waiting for that *one* misstep before they all go falling.

novice brown house that we've seen a few times before

On a larger scale, this is sorta how I felt about my 2017 season with Charlie. I was so consumed with the "Novice by November" plan, and everything leading up to it, that it robbed me a bit of some of the joy and happiness and satisfaction I should have felt in the day to day moments of Charlie's development.

Specifically - his BN run at Fair Hill. Sure, it wasn't perfect. But it was good. He was a good boy. It should have been fun. But I walked away from the day feeling concerned that it wasn't as "well schooled" of a performance as I felt we needed to stay on track for my move up plans. That we still made too many green mistakes.

Of course, none of that ended up mattering anyway bc the horse's season ended shortly after with surgery. I should have just enjoyed the day. Not worried so much. Ya know? But my own supposed defense mechanism against anxiety had completely undermined me, and instead just created its own manifestation of nerves. Go figure.

this training log table is pretty fucking big. but for whatever reason, the positioning of this line of fences (slightly rising ground off a gently sweeping turn) always rides really well. charlie FLEW over it!

That same domino effect often happens on a smaller scale, too. Like, when my friends and I planned to school cross country a couple weeks ago. That entire day was compartmentalized in my mind. From when I should eat, what tasks had to be done at work (complicated by having client deliveries through the afternoon...), when I should change into riding clothes, what time I'd arrive at the farm, and how long it would take to catch Charlie and get him fed before we headed out.... All of it.

So when my friend let me know she'd be arriving quite a bit earlier than we had originally agreed, I honestly had a meltdown. All those little steps I expected were now totally out the window. And I'd have to hustle and rush a bit -- something I *hate* doing when it comes to horses.

Just the simple act of changing one detail of my plan (the timing) was enough to completely ruffle my feathers. All my carefully tamped-down anxiety came exploding out, and I started thinking that maybe I should just skip it altogether bc my mindset was so utterly shot.

this downhill line gives us grief every single time ugh lol. charlie was a good boy tho!

Luckily tho, my friends are patient with me haha, and everything worked out. The schooling was successful and was just the reminder I needed that Charlie is an amazing horse. Which like, let's be real, THAT is the ultimate antidote to nervousness haha.

At the end of the day, positive experiences and positive mileage will do more for us than anything else in the battle against nervousness and fear. Sometimes we just have to get out there and do the things to learn that, yea it's actually ok. We're ok. It's all fine. And FUN.

But yea. In case it isn't glaringly obvious by this point, I'm a pretty special blend of neurotic over here haha. But hey, admitting you have a problem is the first step toward doing something about it, right? Or at least, that's sorta what I had in mind when I sketched out my goals for the year, and included "Be Flexible" among them haha.

i've lost count of how many times we've jumped this red boat house haha. it's a great jump tho!

Yes -- it's important to make plans. Big goals aren't achieved by accident, ya know? And challenging myself and overcoming obstacles (literally and figuratively) are major components of the joy and satisfaction I derive from this crazy sport haha.

But. BUT. I just cannot let myself become consumed by the plans. There has to be a balance. The final step in any plan has to become some variation of "Adapt, Evolve, Overcome" lol.

This week has been a perfect microcosm of how this whole cycle plays out in my mind, too. We have our season opener on Sunday (possibly jinxing myself even writing this but #whatevskis). Our first event since September, and first away event since August. It's been a while, and I feel a ton of uncertainty about how things will go.

Naturally, as is the Charlie Way, this has been complicated by less-than-ideal preparations. The month off for stepping on that nail. Last weekend's plans blown to smithereens when the horse was alarmingly stiff. Etc etc etc. I can rationalize anything, including finding ample reason to set my nerves ablaze.

we jumped this guy again! had not quite as good a distance as last time, but it was still just as easy for chuck. i'll take it!

In a way, tho, I think that early season Nail Incident was maybe a blessing. Yes, I have big scary ambitious goals for this year and the years to come. But also, Yes. Things are going to happen that are out of my control and I can't let those things color my perception or take over my mindset.

The nail was a reminder right off the bat about that whole "Be Flexible" thing. To not become so consumed by what I want my "outcomes" for the year to be that I lose sight of enjoying all the intermediary steps along the way.

Like schooling cross country again this week. I knew I wanted to get out before our show this weekend. Didn't have to do a ton, but wanted to have a fresh memory and fresh reflexes. I planned out which jumps I wanted to tackle (a combination of N & T fences, most of which we've done before), and in what order. Planned out how we'd conduct our warm up (25min hack through the woods, then off to jomp the jompies!). All the plans haha.

training ramp that we jumped for the first time a couple weeks ago. you can see the green novice ramp to the right

But still. Starting around midday at work that day, I could feel the anxiety start to creep in. That vague nebulous feeling of impending.... something. It's such an awful feeling. But like, there IS something good in there, right?

Positive anticipation can be an extremely powerful force. I read some article years ago about how people tended to be happier in the lead up to a vacation than they were during the actual trip itself. That the expectation of fun and happiness was itself enough to make the person happy.

Which makes me feel like I'm in some ways kinda doing it wrong haha, with the negative anxiety etc., but maybe in other ways I'm already kinda halfway there? Like maybe if there's some sort of way to wrestle in those feelings of anxiety and tell myself they're because I'm looking forward to doing something fun?

So just as those nerves started creeping in and I began to get that hollow feeling of dread ahead of our planned xc school.... Well. Honestly? I kinda sat myself down for a little pep talk. This is supposed to be fun. I want to jump cross country fences. I love galloping my horse. And my horse is a good boy who also loves jumping. I should be looking forward to schooling, not dreading it.

meta data for the ride

And this is why they say visualization is such a powerful tool haha. Just by force of reminding myself about all the good feelings associated with riding my horse on cross country, I was able to translate at least some of those nerves into positive anticipation.

Which then translated into what was honestly a pretty good school. Not perfect, not by a long shot. Charlie and I are both rusty haha. And the time off definitely did not do my eye any favors.

But that's ok. It was fun, we jumped all the things I wanted to jump. Strung some stuff together to mimic coursework. Jumped a couple bigger things to ensure the weekend's course looks small. Practiced jumping up and down hills (the *down* still being particularly challenging lol). And practiced our "start box style" going away from the barn.

And it was all good. Charlie ate everything up. Was relaxed and happy about it all, which helped me stay relaxed and happy too. Overall we logged about ~5min of cantering with an average speed of roughly 370mpm. Which, not so coincidentally, will be about what we're expected to do on Sunday.

video here

Charlie felt great for that. He's not at peak fitness, but he's more than ready for this level of exertion. Me? Well... my lungs were burning haha. But I was happy. And that's what matters.

So here's to putting those anxiety monsters to rest. To planning out what we can, setting ourselves up for success as much as possible, but then allowing ourselves to sit back and enjoy the ride. And allow ourselves to have fun, and let all the rest roll off our backs.

And here's to hoping I can cling on to that mentality through the weekend lol.... Wish me luck!