reflecting

Happy Monday, friends — hope it was a good weekend for you all! Pro photos care of Erin Gilmore photography just arrived in the mail, so I thought it might be nice to reflect a bit on our most recent competition, Doozy’s official move up to BN!

sweet doozy trying her best to just…. trot on around lol

Obvi anybody who’s been following along around these parts for any length of time doesn’t really need to be convinced that I can occasionally over think things. ‘Self Doubt’ could quite literally be my middle name. And our weird roller coaster winter definitely didn’t help. 

Doozy had felt ready to think about moving up a full year ago. Remember we did a BN CT at Thornridge for *last* Halloween? Then she was stellar for the Sharon White xc clinic at BN, and I sent in an entry for one of Loch Moy’s winter derbies at BN thinking we’d never look back. 

my outfit choices were a direct reflection of me trying to manifest casual vibes lol, including opting to do all three phases in the same tack 

It’s funny, tho, bc after the wheels fell off this spring and we had to kinda break everything down into more ‘bite sized’ outings starting around June this year… Idk. It kinda forced me to reframe a little bit. Prioritize confidence building, not confidence proving — for BOTH of us. 

And when we did finally make it around a full three phase event in July, it felt fun and easy in a way I’ve never really experienced with eventing. Like, sure, everything is kinda hard sometimes with Doozy. **Mere existence** can sometimes be overwhelming, apparently. 

But the actual tests of the day? Especially the jumping phases? There were no questions in my head that we could just go out and put one foot in front of the other toward a completion. 

holy crap a pic of us cantering!! 

It’s like something clicked in my head. Like, OH. Ah. I see. It can be like this! And I basically spent the rest of the summer fully embracing the idea of getting out there and doing the things at a level that felt comfortable, easy and fun — while slowly but surely trying to smooth out all the other mere-existence-related wrinkles (like Doozy’s admittedly tough time in the warm up rings at Waredaca).

We did about an event per month this season, which is a bit less frequent than the typical area campaigners from what I can tell — but it felt / feels right for us. 

click for full size — also hit a new record for “obedient” comments LOL!

And I opted to splurge on an Area II Champs entry, knowing full well we weren’t really contenders or points chasers or anything. Historically with Charlie, I was always thinking about pushing ourselves at shows, vs dallying around for special classes or whatever. So this was a bit of a departure for me. 

oxers never looks as big in pictures as they do to me in person LOL

And it was great! Like, kinda a bit of a fussy experience with the multiple days of trailering etc LOL, and idk if I’ll do it again necessarily… But it was a great experience — I’m glad for the memories, and it was also just one more positive notch in the proverbial belt for Doozy. 

doozy being mature about jumping into our bending line <3

But ya know… It also kinda felt like time, right? Like, ok. We did a proper season. Did the recognized things. Qualified for and rode around the area champs… With still one good month left to go in the season. All signs pointed in the same direction: time to go for it. 

So I dutifully sent in an entry for the BN at Plantation Field’s starter trials, scheduled to happen the weekend after our lovely xc clinic with Sally at Windurra. 

Obvi, you’d be forgiven for not remembering reading about that event tho bc… Well. I scratched the night before for really no real reason at all, except that… idk. I didn’t feel right about it, didn’t feel ready, wasn’t in the right head space, had just one too many feelings of uncertainty bordering on that awful existential dread type feeling. 

strange little cedar oxer out of the water. i’ve seen it cause problems, but doozy clearly didn’t care

So yea. Fine. Scratch that, no big deal. Grace is a lovely gift that only we can give ourselves. 

I had just gotten so stuck in my head. Feelings of uncertainty about how the day would be set up — usually at least either sj or dressage is on grass, which one would it be? How would the xc course look — it’s normally pretty friendly looking but… it’s also been a while. 

And, in all honesty, I still remember Charlie’s somewhat uncharacteristically terrible day there back in 2018, at his second novice. If Doozy had the same type of atypical day, was our schooling level really ready enough to still get us around? And would I be emotionally resilient enough to not completely melt down if it went poorly? 

Basically. My answer to that question was, “No.” I thought it would cost me too much to have the same type of bad day Charlie had all those years ago. It also felt like I’d selected Plantation for not compelling enough reasons. Like, sure, a good event horse should be able to have consistent results at a variety of different venues and grounds. But… We already know Doozy thrives on consistency, so maybe choosing the familiarity of Loch Moy for a move up was ‘strategic’ instead of a cop out. 

i can’t tell for sure, but doesn’t it look like we might actually be stepping INSIDE the ditch????

Anyway. That’s a whole lot of navel gazing, let’s be real. But it’s also a fairly honest and accurate depiction of the mental hamster wheel going on inside my head. 

I felt instant relief after scratching Plantation… paired with a newer inner voice, quieter but equally persistent: I did want to try for BN, I did believe we were ready, and maybe all we really needed was a set of circumstances that felt more familiar, with fewer unknowns. 

So I sucked it up and sent in a (late) entry for the Loch Moy starter the very next weekend. Which, obvi felt possibly like throwing good money after bad since I’d literally just forfeited an entry fee lol. But ya know. Hurray for volunteerism guys bc BOTH these entries had pretty nice discounts applied anyway!

stunning mare + matching foliage <3 <3

I wasn’t quite finished with the mental hamster wheel, tho. In order to just keep the peace upstairs between my ears, I decided to ensure our entire approach to this event was suuuuuper low key and casual. No white pants — not even tan pants. Nope, went straight up with clothes I’d just as soon wear to a lesson. 

Ditto for Doozy — I only packed one set of tack. Not for any real reason other than: just not wanting to take it too seriously. Not wanting to even look too serious. We’ve gotten around just fine in our jump tack, and this would be no different. 

And ya know, it wasn’t any different — and we did get around just fine! Not perfect, obviously. But more than ‘just fine’ too, especially cross country! Doozy was such a super star! 

Ultimately, I’m super proud of both of us for keeping on with putting one foot in front of the other, all year long. My goal with Doozy has always been to continue growing my experience and education in this sport, and we definitely learned something deeply important this year about appreciating the scenic route <3 <3