afterthoughts

It's been a week now since we lost Charlie. And it's been pretty hard for me, not gonna lie. Charlie has been on my mind constantly for more than 8 years at this point, it's fair to say I'm pretty obsessed. And that isn't exactly a switch I can just flip off, ya know?

my beautiful boy <3

I've been thinking a lot about our journey together, and all the various lessons he taught me over the years (whether I was ready for them or not). Charlie is the first horse in my life whose relationship with me superseded my identity as a rider. Mostly bc... Well. He's my first horse. 

so grateful for this sweet mare, who unapologetically demands my full and undivided attention

Before him, I eventually 'moved on' from all the important horses in my life. Because they were lesson horses that I outgrew, or project horses that officially integrated into the program, or - in Isabel's case - bc the lease ended when her abilities / preferences as a riding horse diverged from my priorities as a rider.

 

a gentle hack-about was exactly what i needed after a sleepless sad night

But there was never going to be any 'moving on' from Charlie. He is mine forever. And it's been a wonderful experience settling into that new type of relationship with him. Coming to terms with his retirement was obviously hard and took me a long time to accept -- there's no denying that. But bringing Doozy home last year created space for something new and special with Charlie. 

charlie's tack (and a nameplate) moved over to doozy's barn so i could clean it up for sale. let me know if you're interested in the saddle specifications

And these last few months since he moved to the new farm were particularly precious. As some of you predicted, having the horses in two different places meant that my time with Charlie was better spent -- he had my undivided attention. It helped that he loved the farm so much, and that everybody there was equally in love with him. 

i left a little memento in the feedroom at charlie's barn tho

Really, there isn't much I regret from my time with Charlie. We did so much together, so many adventures, so many memories. There's nothing out there that we didn't do, or that I wish we'd tried -- except for maybe finally teaching him to paint pictures haha. 

Even up to our very last day together -- my last photo of him is a 'between the ears' shot from a lovely and relaxing ride outside with a barn mate and her horse. 

his stall shared a wall with the feedroom and he was very serious about supervising meal prep <3 

And while it's still really hard for me to think about his last living moments, I'm honestly grateful that he went the way he did. There is no easy way to lose a horse, but there are certainly many harder ways than what we had to go through. 

such a sweet face <3

So I find myself a bit torn -- grateful that we had such a wonderful life together and that he was spared from a painful decline... But also pretty desperately sad about it all, I miss him so much. Charlie took up a huge space in my life, it's going to take some getting used to not having him. 

kitties have been extra snuggly with the recent cold snap <3

Having two horses was always a big stretch for me, but I'm so grateful to have Doozy to fall back on right now, to keep me in motion and doing the things I love doing. She is infinitely sweet and snuggly, and makes no qualms about engaging my full attention. 

alright Ms Thing. none of this is exactly what i'd planned, but here we are. 

So we carry on. I imagine I'll still write about Charlie tho; I have some ideas about pulling together favorite memories and photos. Hopefully you'll indulge me in that haha. 

rest in peace, friend <3

Truly tho -- I am deeply grateful for every single comment from you all -- I read and reread them all again and again. It means so much to me that Charlie was such a widely loved character in hearts and minds beyond my own. He will certainly be missed <3