existential crisis: dressage edition

I never really understood why people would be so nervous before dressage tests. We had a friendly at-home schooling show this weekend, where I spent the morning stewarding the warm up and working the in gate. And was kinda amused (in a friendly way, I promise) by the riders who told me how worried, nervous or anxious they were for their tests.

After riding my own test (yes, singular) in the afternoon, tho, maybe I get it now.

ignore my resting bitch concentration face and just focus on how goddamn handsome this hunk of horse is!

Maybe the worry isn't so much related to fear that something physically bad will happen during the test. Like in cross country where you might legitimately worry that if you miss at the trakehner, you'll end up in the ditch....

No, no, I'm coming to realize that might not be exactly the same type of visceral fear that dressage riders experience before their tests.

charlie's friends have been using him as a scratching post. it's ridiculous, they rub up and down on his tail and he just takes it. but his poor tail tho, grrrrr!

Instead, it's maybe more existential than that. Like, the fear that the judge will strike you down from on high. Crucify you for even daring to present this mess of training and horsemanship to her. Or question the very bedrock foundation of everything you thought was true about your own precious unicorn, who in her opinion maybe more closely resembles some bedraggled cart nag you picked up from the Amish.

that mane is lookin good tho!! still a little short for these braids but i'm feeling good about my first effort!

Does that sound overly dramatic? Maybe. But did I spend the rest of the afternoon after my ride close to (or in) tears and texting my trainers in a panic that, "was I all wrong about Charlie?" and "who am I trying to kid here?" and "what was I even thinking?" .....Also maybe.

gosh i just love him tho <3

The worst part was that I didn't even think the test was that bad. Like, sure we trantered in one lengthening and broke in the next. And we jigged in the walk, biffed some geometry, and carried a fair amount of tension throughout... Definitely not a 60%+ score, but hopefully well-enough presented to provoke actionable, constructive feedback.

not perfect, but not bad either! #mymotto

Overall, I honestly thought it was a reasonable first effort. The horse did the things, accomplished the movements (more or less), and didn't feel over faced in doing so. And I promise - I did not tell Charlie what the judge thought of us. He has no idea, he thinks he was a Good Boy, and I have every intention of keeping it that way haha.

a wild astrid appears!

There's the rub, tho, right? Like, there's so much daylight between how I perceive the horse and how strangers see him. All I see is how far he's come, how hard he tries. I'm basically blind to so many of his limitations and weaknesses, bc all I see is the progress we've made on them.

I understand completely that judges will only evaluate what you show them in that particular test, in that moment. No reminders needed there, I assure you. There's just an alarmingly large gap between my expectations and the judge's reality.

charlie was 100% not expecting to see those huskies suddenly appear out of the doorway during our warm up lol.... pc Austen Gage

Tho ya know. In hindsight, it's easier to maybe pick up some of the pieces and put that particular puzzle back together. I expected Charlie to maybe be a bit dull, tired, and/or stiff from the pace clinic. Which, realistically, a careful dressage ride at home would generally be the perfect remedy for that anyway, even if it meant for lesser scores in the test, ya know?

welcome one and all to the grand series of cherry-picked video stills!!! here we see the elusive dressage brontosaurus preparing for the right handed 10m half circle

What I didn't quite see coming was the foot-soreness, tho, which maybe I should have since I've already been wondering when the time would come to put him in front pads... (Hint: that time is now, Emma! D'oh!)

We warmed up in the indoor which is considerably softer footing than the dressage court, so it wasn't maybe as apparent anyway. And of course the first movement in 1-1 is that damn 10m half circle, naturally to the left, our weaker direction at present. It's pretttttty hard to hide anything in a 10m half turn haha, especially when you ride a brontosaurus.

everything is better when we can move out tho. here we are earning a 4 after trantering for most of this lengthening

My guess is that the judge saw our few lurch-y steps in that early movement and was immediately on the look-out for any other signs of irregularity. Which.... ya know, with a horse like Charlie, if you're looking for it you WILL find it. In those situations, you can expect to have some points taken off from basically every movement -- your 6 becomes a 5 or 4, for instance -- and to have the judge recommend you scratch your second test. Which, naturally, I did.

i don't even care tho, i love him anyway <3

It's frustrating tho, ya know? Like, a little magic cushion and the horse was righter than rain the next day. It's not exactly normal practice to be galloping the day before dressage tests anyway, that's just how it worked out this weekend. And anyway, once he's in pads again the issue resolves completely.

But them's the breaks, I guess. Like I never expected to do well in the test, but I *was* hopeful to get useful constructive feedback on how to improve. Instead of getting comments that make me question why I even try with this horse in the first place.... Sigh.

sir, maybe you would be more impressive if you kicked up less dust. #justsayin

It's funny tho -- looking back on it, it was at this same show two years ago where I rode a much greener Charlie in the BN tests. And the judge was basically like, "You need to go back to basics. And maybe don't even jump this horse." So maybe I just have a particularly bad track record with this particular organization's shows?? Ha....

wheeeee canter lengthening!!

And maybe I also need to remember my philosophy back then too, bc it definitely still fits now:

"So I can objectively look at where Charlie and I are in our dressage training and kinda shrug like, 'ok so we kinda suck,' but it's not demoralizing. And it's not like.... A problem, ya know? It's just where we are, there's just more work to do."

lol we also cantererd in this lengthening, whoops

Bc yea. As much as it felt like a complete existential crisis having that judge look deep into my soul and make me question every choice I made with this horse.... Well. Let's be real. It's not the actual end of the world to have a bad day. Especially when the problems are known and fixable.

why does this sometimes feel like facing off with the enemy?!?

I felt better tho looking at the scores posted online after the fact too haha. It turns out they were awarding ribbons not by how you stacked up against the others in your class, but by where your test score fell within certain ranges. So a score above such and such percent would get 1st, then scores in the next range would get 2nd, etc.

in reality tho, it's just about me and this horse. he's my boy and that's all that matters.

My score earned us a 4th if that tells you anything (and No, I'm not sharing my sheet haha, I don't want to and you can't make me!), but actually we had the higher score in our class of 2 by the sliiiiiightest of margins lol. Throughout the whole day, there were zero 1sts, roughly a dozen 2nds, and all the rest were 3rds and 4ths. With a whole half a dozen scores worse than my own....

thanks frens for talking me off the ledge <3 <3 <3

So idk. Maybe that judge was kinda a B lol. And maybe I shouldn't let the fact that she's an "r" judge shakeup my mindset or undermine what I already know to be true about Charlie.

Charlie is a good boy. He CAN do the dressage, and he WILL keep getting better. I have good strategies in place already for maintaining him and managing his high mileage body, and working on our training will only continue to make him stronger and healthier.

And hey, if all else fails, he looks damn good in braids, amirite?? #atleastwegotnicepictures