whose journey is it anyway?

Over the past few months I've been thinking about writing a post along the lines of "Why Charlie: The case for the war horse OTTB" or some such thing. About why I wanted certain specifications in a horse, and how I prioritized my criteria.

For whatever reason, tho, that post has languished on the back burner. And a recent conversation with a friend helped me to figure out why.

why? bc he's the best, that's why <3

I doubt any of you who have been reading for a while need to be reminded about just how shitty last year was for me as a rider. It's just now been about a year since I threw in the training towel with Isabel - since I realized our journey as a competitive partnership was closing for at least the foreseeable future, but probably for good.

It was.... an educational time for me tho.

I had to tackle a lot of feelings of guilt and self doubt - was I quitting on Isabel? Was I blaming the horse when actually I had reached the limits of my own skills or ability? Was I moving on to an OTTB as a way to hide my own inadequacies behind the shield of "green"?

Which like, obviously those are pretty unpleasant feelings. And probably unfair too.

green horses are their own special brand of fun anyway, right?

This is a hobby, after all. Like, I love riding. I take it fairly seriously, I study it. I invest infinitely more than just time, money and energy into it. At the end of the day tho, it is a hobby. It is intended to bring me joy.

So I had to do a little bit of soul searching about what that 'joy' looks like to me.

And ultimately? I had to realize that for me, it's about more than just the partnership I had with Isabel. My joy in riding comes in large part from my own personal journey as a rider. And it's fairly specifically tied to what I do as a rider.

this picture is so ridiculous in so many ways. but.... it kinda encapsulates the growing partnership lol

In the case of Isabel, we were no longer successful as a jumping pair. But I learned that, actually, jumping is pretty important to me as a rider. I want to jump. More specifically, I want to event. This might not always be true for me - but it is true for me right now.

And therefore, to continue getting fulfillment from my riding habit, I needed a horse who would be happy in doing the things I wanted to do. Right now, that's an event horse.

Thus we get to the "Why Charlie" part, right? Except - not even quite yet. Because there's still more to it, I think.

Superficially, I chose Charlie bc he met fairly broad criteria: OTTB, aged 6-9, good build and sound(ish), and that brain. I specifically wanted something a little bit older bc I wanted something with some life experience. Something that was emotionally mature. That could handle the "do all the things" lifestyle - trailering out twice a week for lessons, shows, trail rides, or whatever.

do all the things? check and check.

And let's be real: your typical sound, well built horse can jump around 3' without issue. That same typical, average horse can probably physically handle 2nd-3rd level dressage too. Sure, some are easier than others - but you don't really need above average talent or athleticism for that, ya know?

But this gets us back to the whole "journey" thing. Because I realized with Isabel that my journey as a rider superseded our 'partnership.' Obviously things were easier in that I didn't own the horse, so I didn't have to make certain difficult choices (tho it's also arguable that, had I owned the horse, she would have gotten different care that may have affected her willingness to jump... but that's an entirely different rabbit hole that is totally moot now).

It meant tho that I had to take better stock of what I actually wanted my journey as a rider to look like - what are my actual ambitions? And what type of horse do I need to get there?

i can promise you each person in this picture has a slightly different answer to that question

For me, right now, the answer to those questions feels a little vague, a little blurry, but also maybe pretty realistic for my purposes. I have ambitions. I want to be the best rider I can be, to be good at what I do and enjoy it. But I suspect that my ambitions have a bit of a ceiling to them - that I may reach a certain level and feel like, "Yup this is good. We can cruise here."

In other words, I don't really feel like I'm "shooting for the top." I don't want to "go all the way." Does that make sense? It's not really clear to me yet where my 'cruising altitude' is, exactly. But it doesn't seem likely to be anything at the upper levels lol. And that's totally fine by me.

So here we are now, finally, at the "Why Charlie" bit. I want to do things, and get... somewhere. But I probably don't need an out-of-this-world athletic or talented horse to get there. Rather, I just need something I can work with. Something that I can enjoy working with. Enter: Charlie, with his emotional maturity and good brain.

charlie needs all the emotional maturity and good brain he can get, bc i apparently have none of my own lol

And back to my earlier comment about figuring a lot of this out during a conversation with a friend. We were discussing this very topic of ambition. Specifically: our conceptions of how we define ourselves as horse people. And what it means to us to be riders. Is it about our journey with an individual horse? Or is it about the attainment of a major competitive goal or milestone?

This whole thought process leads me to believe that I fall somewhere in the middle of that spectrum. I need to be doing a certain type of riding that includes jumping and lessons and shows (otherwise I'd still be riding Isabel, right?).

But.... within that framework, I do truly love the day in, day out partnership forged with my horse. Because it's those quiet 'in between' moments that can really color our entire perception of our horse experience, after all.

quiet in between moments are nice too tho

At one extreme of the spectrum: you have the professionals who have to sell their big horses in order to continue building their businesses, in order to afford their next big horse. The top riders whose careers are fortified specifically by their ability to succeed independent of the horse.

And the other end of the spectrum - which feels much more commonplace especially among adult amateurs: the riders who often adapt their own goals or ambitions to align with their horse's ability. That the partnership forged with this horse, the journey with this horse, is more important than any other attribute of what the horse can 'do.'

My guess, tho, is that most of us fall somewhere in between. And furthermore, I'd guess that this is one of those things that may change and evolve over time, based on other life circumstances. That how I feel about it today might be quite different from how I feel about it in 5 years. Or 10.

for now tho, there's nowhere else i'd rather be

I'm curious tho - and actually so was my friend, who specifically encouraged me to write this post and solicit opinions from blogland on your own perspectives.

Do you define yourself as a rider by your goals or ambitions? Are they inextricably linked to your specific horse? Or maybe instead, your preferred means of deriving enjoyment are defined by the horse you have currently? Have you had to make decisions about buying or selling a horse based on its suitability for your goals or purposes?

Do you feel like there's something bigger out there, something more overarching in your own journey as a rider, independent of the horses that may come in and out of your life? Or maybe you feel the opposite - that it's less about striving forever for something, and more about enjoying each good moment as it comes?

Have your opinions or thoughts on this matter had to change over time due to different circumstances? Or maybe you've never actually thought particularly deeply about it at all?