cursed chaos

If for some weird reason, archeologists from the future examined my credit card statements to analyze what Doozy and I got up to this past month, they might reasonably believe our January was… Epic.

winter: not as epic as advertised

Like all well-intentioned plans, ours was slated to be awesome. We’d capitalize on the momentum from the December clinic with Sharon White by starting the month with an entry in Loch Moy’s January XC Derby.  

“Reading the News Feed”

Then, straight back to basics with another clinic — this time with Martin Douzant, with whom I lessoned a few times with Charlie to excellent effect and have been very eager to try again. 

Derailment #1 of 2025

Then the next week, another cavaletti clinic with our favorite dressage trainer C (one of the last real activities Charlie did before retiring), and the week after - another dressage clinic but this time with a different local professional who has long been on my list. And ya know, a few other options for shuffling things around should need be. Gotta have options!

It was a worthy experiment i guess, but the bit wrap had to go

Except. Well. Options or no options, literally NONE of that happened. Wompppp lol.

Somebody has been a bit wild. Must be the other red one tho…

It all started innocently enough — Doozy got a nasty bruise from ice accumulations jammed up in her shoe that already had me doubting if we’d be ok for the derby anyway. But Lo! The polar vortex arose and they rescheduled once, before ultimately cancelling entirely.

Trying to persist and persevere thru the cold weather

Meanwhile, Doozy was slow to recover from the bruise while somewhat less slowly descending into winter-induced Cabin Fever with a Capital F (the “U” is implied).

But wait, something’s not quite right here!

Eye I warned Trainer C that Doozy was likely to be a certifiable lunatic for the cavalleti clinic since we’d missed so much saddle time. But ya know. Joke’s on me anyway, as usual.

Ugh, derailment #2 of 2025

Doozy must have been watching me hook up the trailer from her field, bc once I brought her in, it was easy to see (puns, I have them) she was in no shape for a schooling session: her eye was swollen weepy and sore, poor nugget!

Luckily resolved without prescription intervention

Technically I could have waited to see what the eye would look like the next morning before calling it on the clinic… Except…. Ehhhh I really don’t love cancelling at the last minute when it can be avoided. Plus. Real talk. The mare needed ridden in order to be prepared for the clinic. And she couldn’t be ridden with her eye like that. So she wouldn’t be prepared. So we wouldn’t go. End of story. 

Barn cats are getting more use out of my trailer than me :(

Naturally her eye WAS totally fine the next day (tho I’d consulted with my vet anyway and treated with some OTC flushing solutions), but them’s the breaks sometimes. 

You’d never know there’d been a problem!

Oh, and I skipped the part about the Martin Clinic. Ugh, that got eaten by the polar vortex too — and rescheduled for a date when I’m not available. Curses, yo. 

she’s trying to look civilized lol

And yet, we persist! Bc we love it and are fulfilled by the process etc etc etc, right?? So I finally was able to get some semblance of a routine under saddle going again, with a deep focus on just getting our work done while overlooking / ignoring all the ‘noise.’

Pretty biscuit

Engaging the tension and ignoring the drama, right?

Looking suspiciously serene in the snow

And I will say, even tho Doozy and I have decidedly gone a bit backwards in our work this month (for example, this ride feels almost unattainable at the moment) — the quality of the brief moments we do accomplish gives me a lot of satisfaction. 

It’s no secret this horse thrives on routine and consistent work. It’ll naturally be harder for us when that routine gets blown up. I’m sure we’ll get right back up to it once conditions improve.

Nooooo!!!!

So obviously Doozy got herself another new ding in the meantime LOL(sob).

Ugh mare, pls just be pretty :(

This one is (fortunately) just cosmetic, at least, tho she was a little ginger on it at first. 

So many things we could be doing

Oh and then I had to leave town for a work retreat, and picked up one of the many nasty bugs going around on the way home and have been basically flatlined for a few days — thus spelling doom for our final clinic scheduled for this past weekend with the other local dressage trainer. Siiiiiigh.

It’s all ahead of us, tho, i guess

So ya know. As they say, the ‘best laid plans of mice and men often go awry.’ But, the silver lining is that, as far as Doozy is concerned, not only does none of that even matter — it might as well never have even happened! (Well, ok, it legitimately didn’t happen, but you know what I mean).

From Doozy’s perspective, January was basically one big vacation with the occasional silly schooling session. She’s looking great and feeling fiiiine, so eh. Bring it on, February!!*

(*But like, maybe less chaos pls!)

Guest Post on Doing the Thing

Editors Note: Something I miss most from the golden age of blogging was the sheer variety of voices and perspectives—the constant exchange of stories, insights, and inspiration that made this community truly special. We challenged each other, sparked ideas, and pushed one another to dream bigger. This space wasn’t just about sharing; it was about believing—believing that we could do it too. For me, this community was the spark that set me on the path to creating a horsey life I’d never even dreamt of.

One of those voices was Carly, formerly of Poor Woman Showing. Her helmet cam videos from her eventing days were wildly entertaining—so much so that, to this day, I still find myself silently shrieking, “Suck it in, Bobby!” every time I jump a skinny fence.

Over time, many of those unique voices disappeared from the blogging scene, including Carly’s. But sometimes, there’s more to say. Yesterday, Jen from Cob Jockey revived an old-school blogging tradition by replying to a thought-provoking post from Anna at Anxiety at A, with her own great perspective. Inspired by that spirit of conversation and shared ideas, I’m thrilled to host Carly here today with her own point of view.

*****

It’s January, it’s single digits in most places, and really, what better time to have an existential crisis than right now. Why? Because honestly, what else is there to do? In recent years, I’ve noticed a trend of people reevaluating their riding goals and moving in directions that look nothing like where we started when I first got into blogging.

Carly & Opie, doing the thing

Back then, the goal was “Get your Bronze” and “Go Training Level” in eventing.* It didn’t matter where you were starting, what horse you had, where you lived, or what your training program looked like—those were the boxes to tick. This weird ambiguous Must Have. But did anyone have an actual plan to achieve those goals? What came next? Were those the ultimate end-all of riding aspirations? And most importantly, why? Why did everyone want these things? 

Spoiler: I still have no idea. Maybe we were just young, dumb, and naively ambitious.

(*Ed. note: I remember it being Novice Level but Carly was always way ahead of me there lol!)

also Carly & Opie, doing the thing!

Since switching from eventing to dressage, the Bronze medal seems to be the universal stamp of "I did something!" And I’m fucking stoked I got mine. It was hard as hell, and I’m damn proud of it. But I’ve also seen a lot of stupid ways to get there—mostly because riders for some reason think it’s mandatory to have one, or else you can’t be considered a dressage rider.

Two scores at 2-1 just over 60%? It counts; we can cross that level off because we're totally ready for Third now! Who cares if my horse can’t counter canter, do a turn on the haunches, or if I can’t sit the trot and don’t understand what real collection is! Collection doesn’t even matter, because hey, now I can slap on a double and fake it! 

some “things” occasionally open to equine interpretation

I totally get the frustration with scoring and judging because these shortcuts do work sometimes. People can earn their Bronze medals without understanding the movements they’re riding, just because they’re on a nice horse. Big-moving horses that go round tend to score better, even when other fundamentals are missing. But here’s the thing: that’s not the only way to get good scores.*

I talk about this with my trainer all the time. I have a small, mediocre-moving OTTB. I am far from a beautiful rider to watch. Opie, my horse, finds it easier to do lateral work with his nose poked out more than what’s ideal for scoring well in the ring. We’re constantly working to get him to "drop his neck" and go deeper because that lifts his back and makes his movement more correct. When we get it right, he’s relaxed, adjustable, and correct. And we’ve scored 8s on medium canters— better than a giant, fancy AF but tense warmblood. 

(*Ed. note: Quick question, y’all, but when did this become about winning anyway?? Does somebody else’s good scores nullify your own? Isn’t that the whole beauty of a dressage test specifically and the USDF medal program more generally? That you’re literally being handed individual feedback for every single ride, every single movement? Compete against yo’self, friends, and you’ll always win!)

grays on gray lookin sharp

People underestimate how much of training is NOT a good time. It’s hard work, and it never stops being hard work. It’s tedious, frustrating, and often feels like you’re moving backward more than forward. You hit health problems in both horse and rider. The weather sucks. Money is a novelty. The list goes on, and there’s no magic wand to fix any of it. You just have to get on the horse. Do the thing. One day, you’ll look back and realize, “Oh damn, look at what we’ve actually accomplished—even though it didn’t feel like it at the time.” 

And if you're not committed to being down in the trenches and putting in the hard work, maybe commit to being a trail rider instead. Which is fine! Who cares! Horses are awesome no matter what you do with them! You don’t have to show to own a horse. Despite what I’ve heard from professionals (including an Olympic judge I audited this fall), horses won’t go extinct if we stop showing them.

aaaaaand occasionally lookin a little too sharp haha. it’s a journey, y’all!

But if you’re chasing big, lofty goals, understand this: it takes time. So much time. And even more work. It means showing up, sucking at it, learning from sucking at it, and then sucking some more. Build a support system that pushes you to be better. Don’t assume every off-property ride will be a slam dunk. Do the thing.

It’s frustrating to see people quit too soon—throwing up their hands before they even start, because they didn’t nail it right away, or bc somebody else got there ‘faster’ or ‘easier.’ Especially those who want to ride at higher levels but have never done so, or haven’t had to bring a horse up themselves. Do you think schoolmasters are just born that way? Ask your trainer how much not fun work it took to get those horses to the level where they can teach you fancy moves.

a journey worthy of the trouble tho <3

The more we learn with horses, the more we realize how much there still is to learn. If that doesn’t excite or inspire you—if it doesn’t make you want to dig in and do the hard shit to get better—that’s fine too. There are other roads to satisfaction and fulfillment with horses. 

But your journey and your horse are your own, and you get to define what succeeding means to you. There are so many ‘right’ ways to enjoy horses, and very very few that are truly wrong. But virtually every discipline demands grit, horsemanship, and a healthy appreciation that sometimes judges are just judgy bitches. 

baby steps

This sweet red mare has been…. Full of surprises for me over the last year and a half. Some surprises have been exceedingly pleasant — like when she pulled a literally flawless show jump round out of thin air at Loch Moy last October!

Others, tho… Hm. Less so lol… Tho ya know, another massive benefit in keeping this blog going — even when the minutiae feels mundane, repetitive or even boring — is that it helps me from having to learn the same lessons twice again and again and again. 

Doozy + her ponies, serene in the snow!

For example, there’s a whole post from Doozy’s earliest time with me about “restarting the restarting.” Recall, she almost immediately came down with a massive cellulitis infection and likely related hoof abscess just weeks after coming home. Then, upon recovery, acted like she’d never seen ANY of the farm before in her life (despite the prior weeks of careful hand walking and introductions to all the various spaces). 

ice ball season is the worst

My initial reaction at that time was surprise, annoyance and frustration — bc from my perspective, the mare had more than enough preparation and experience to be civil despite a little time off. But, ya know. Tell that to the mare LOL… 

So I fixed my feelings and reframed my mind and we just went back to square one and reestablished all the little skills and behaviors I wanted to see in the mare, and it was all good.

you can really see how much height these things can develop

And history basically seems to be repeating itself this season for us. Conditions are decidedly not favorable — cold weather, bad ground, howling wind… We’ve been limited to exclusively riding indoors for quite a while at this point, and then Doozy had the better part of the last two weeks off after bruising a foot on some hard packed ice balls in her shoe. 

also tis the season for rechargeable hand warmers! i got these Ocoopa nuggets for Christmas

So when we were able to snatch the big indoor all to ourselves during relatively mild weather, I was eager to start putting the pieces of our ‘standard wtc ride package’ back together. 

Doozy had… other thoughts LOL. She was eager to spook at…. Everything. Weird noises. Weird silence. That closed door…. that open  door…. Bright spots and dark shadows, and literally everything in between. 

pretty mare isn’t grown up yet lol

Not gonna lie, it’s really easy for me to get baited into all of that, tho. To get baited into working the mare through whatever distraction she finds —- schooling her past the door, working her into the corners, not letting her get all screwballed and contorted every time she passes the gate… Except. Guys. Literally none of that really matters at this exact moment, ya know? 

more to come on this experiment…. first ride left me with some concerns

It’s like… 20*F outside, the ground is trashed, nothing is happening any time soon. If the mare needs to hand walk a lap or two around the ring, fine. If she needs to stay on a small circle, FINE. What I **don’t** need to do is make a big deal out of this corner or that mirror or those piled up hoses. None of it matters, Doozy isn’t actually afraid, we can actually just ignore it.

she is so friggin busy omg… note the chompage tho

Bc at this particular moment, having not been schooling regularly, really all we need to do is put together a few minutes of trot in each direction —- finding our salvation in steady rhythm and inside supple bend. That’s… literally it. And go figure, when I kept the message really really consistent, and really really clear (trot in this steady tempo with consistent inside bend), Doozy was able to take a deep breath and stop looking for monsters. 

We don’t have to get drawn into chasing after every squirrel, ya know? 

mare we just want you to be happy!

Tho ya know. We still had to take a fairly extensive walk break after changing directions bc omg everything is different now aaaaahh.. cough cough, ahem. 

But. Eh. Fiiiiiine. I reminded myself that we have all the time in the world, including time to compose ourselves as needed vs feeding into the feelings. And then after the walk break, mare was able to pick up another little 2min stint of trot without any explosions or interpretative dance steps. Good girl!

mare thinks her happiness can be found among the treats in that coat pocket LOL

Actually, overall, the quality of the work itself was quite high — exactly where we left off from our last lesson with Trainer C. Which is honestly a GREAT feeling bc the whole set of recent little micro-breakthroughs was all about getting reproducible work from the horse with consistent rider inputs. 

Which… If you can ignore all the other shenanigans related to having had a little time off, and being slightly stir crazy from the weather… Well, it’s what we’re still getting! Woo hoo! 

At this point, just being able to get on and go through the motions reasonably consistently is good enough haha… And who knows, maybe we’ll eventually get a reprieve from all these arctic blasts?? We’ll see, I guess! 

this is why we can’t have nice things

Hope y’all are staying warm out there… These polar vortex storms are getting old, not gonna lie… As of this writing, we’re expecting another deep freeze plus possibly a few inches of fresh snow UGH!

the destructive monster herself

Idk about you all, but I was feeling all motivated going into the off season and signed up for all manner of fun activities and outings that are all getting postponed, rescheduled, or straight up cancelled bc bleh… The weather is too hateful!

She may or may not have had murder on the mind while riding amidst lessons the other night

Tho ya know. Maybe it’s all for the best anyway… Poor Miss Thing bruised her feet a bit from a nasty ice ball wedged in her shoe during the first big snowstorm, and is only just now starting to feel better. 

 

at least she’s cute

Tho naturally the ground outside is still completely trashed so she’s simultaneously overflowing with pent up energy…

wild woman had to get it out of her system!

It’s made our attempts at riding a little dicey. I’ve tried to keep getting on her regularly, with the idea being that just walking around nice soft footing is good for her body — even if her feet were too sore for regular ‘work.’ 

well, wild until she got ‘stuck’ in the box lol

But y’all know Doozy, she’s not always entirely on board with the idea of “just walking around” LOL…. And not gonna lie… We came embarrassingly close to causing a major scene a couple times while sharing the ring with lessons… whoops!

there ya go lady - back out the way you came in!

C’est la vie, I guess. Like it’s no secret that the mare kinda needs a fairly consistent degree of work. And I’m not particularly worried about things smoothing out when conditions improve… So ya know. We’ll see where things are after this next storm!

ugh mare!!!

In the meantime, tho, I’m experimenting with some repairs to our brand new (ugh!) and beloved nathe bit, which the monster friggin CHOMPED in our last ride. 

have you used bit wrap before?

We’ve literally only had this bit for a few weeks at this point, so, uh, that’s not really nearly durable enough for something that cost almost $100. But it’s such a good solution for Doozy at this point in her training that I’m hoping we can maybe keep it going with some bit wrap?

it’s just self-adhering latex that can be cut to fit

Like, I don’t necessarily expect this latex tape to be any more durable, but… if it protects the bit itself then, maybe it’s worth just having to rewrap the bit every couple weeks or months? I got this particular tape off Amazon, and reviews said it works about as well as Sealtex, which I think is maybe the more common brand but less available these days? 

my first attempt seems decent enough, lmk if you have any tricks

I dunno. I tried to take a little care wrapping the thing — starting with a clean dry bit and trimming the edges to hopefully be as thin and unobtrusive as possible. I also used a hair dryer on the low setting to help with adherence, tho it naturally seems to stick quite easily.

wrapped our other new bit that i want to try for jumping

I haven’t jumped in the nathe yet so it’s hard to say how well it works when Doozy gets strong. My guess, tho, is that we might end up wishing for a little more in that department lol… So I picked up another nathe with beval cheek pieces. I was just trialing it from my friend, but opted to buy it outright after Doozy chomped the other nathe in case she destroys this one too. Hopefully wrapping it preemptively will be enough tho? 

i thought i sold Charlie’s old Myler comfort snaffle but nope it was just tucked away!

I also re-discovered Charlie’s old Myler comfort snaffle that could possibly work as a back-up. Like maybe it could be similar to the nathe, but less susceptible to chomping, if I wrap it all up? We’ll see, I guess. I haven’t wrapped it yet in case Plan A works and I want to conserve the rest of the roll for keeping the nathe smooth. 

ugh mare… at least with this weather it’s not like we’re doing anything exciting anyway!

Let me know if you’ve had any success with bit wrap. Or, alternatively, if there are other more sturdy materials or styles of bit that might be worth trying for this ridiculous chaos agent of a mare…

off into the storm….

In the meantime, we’re just hunkering down for the next few days — hoping it’s not as bad as forecast! Stay warm out there!

the year ahead

Back in the golden age of equestrian blogging, posting goals was popular and ubiquitous, with many the ambitious rider routinely committing to quarterly and even monthly goals. 

That trend faded over time (along with the waning popularity of long-format platforms in general...), and my last year of posting traditional annual and quarterly goals was 2018 (final wrap up post here). 

Obvi I didn't abandon the long-format platform (otherwise, uh, I wouldn't be writing these words right now LOL), nor have I given up on “planning” lol. So it was something else that made me move away from such structured well-defined goals, at least in the traditional sense. 

excited for the next year with this sweet biscuit

Namely, upper level rider Matt Brown wrote a series of compelling and thought provoking essays for Chronicle of the Horse in late 2018 that I found to be deeply influential. 

I wrote out my thoughts and impressions based on his essay in this post here, but have continued to mull over the ideas ever since. Including reading (and re-reading) a book called The Confidence Gap by Russ Harris & Stephen Hayes PhD (available for free through your Audible account or with a trial), which I believe to be some of the primary source material Matt references in his essay.

A big theme in this material is the distinction between process and outcome. Or, to take it a step further, values and outcomes. That an 'outcome' is a bit like the destination of a journey, like going to Paris. Or, more topically, riding in the Championships or earning your Bronze Medal. And the process is the way we get there, step by step.

These outcomes may very well be things we want -- but the fulfillment from such a destination or outcome is by its very definition a transient and temporary sensation. And, more to Matt's point -- we ultimately have very little control over ever achieving certain outcomes. As every horse person knows, there are virtually no promises with horses.  

So the idea is to focus on staying guided by our values, deriving fulfillment not only from where we plan to go, but from the steps along the journey itself. To get passionate about the process, rather than obsessing about the outcome. 

not sure exactly what’s ahead of us yet but it’ll hopefully be fun!!

And as Adam Grant notes in his book Think Again, (also seems to be available for free with an Audible trial, for those of you who like listening to books while driving!), "passions are developed, not discovered."

Most of us are already pretty far along in the whole “passionate about horses” thing… But ya know, the process of actually improving our riding, developing our skills, conditioning ourselves to the correct postures and exertions etc… Not even mentioning the other half of that equation — the horse itself and all that goes into devoting ourselves to pursuits with an entire other sentient creature… Well. Turns out, riding is hard. 

Sometimes it’s a real grind, or deeply frustrating. Failure with horses is almost inevitable in one way or another, it seems. There are so many ways things can go wrong — bad rides, lamenesses or injuries, lack of skill or training or ability. External forces like shitty weather or bad ground or plain old limited resources….

Some days it’s easy to say, “ya know what, I just don’t feel like it.” Which… Honestly, imo is totally fine. I’ve had to learn to give myself some grace (and space) for those days. 

But I’m also working to shift my mindset a little bit too. Namely, working to understand that motivation isn’t some magical drug that allows us to succeed in our endeavors. It’s not something that you either “have” or “don’t have” — it’s just a reflection of we want. The desire to act. 

words to live by

In this mindset, ‘discipline’ and ‘will power’ become nothing more than figments of the imagination, mere constructs rather than something that defines or describes me as an individual. What we are really describing with those words is a pattern of committed action. 

Doing the thing even when I don’t feel like it. Going through the motions, the process, bc that’s how we get where we wanna go. Or, if necessary, reevaluating the intended outcome entirely if the process of getting there doesn’t inspire joy or fulfillment. One thing I learned from my competition journey with Charlie — it’s hard to engage fully in an activity if I’m distracted by fear or anxiety. 

So. For the year ahead, I’m re-committing myself to the values of persistence and self development. To the process of practicing my skills, assessing the results, and modifying as needed — recognizing that sometimes failure is a wonderful teacher. 

I want to put one foot in front of the other, day after day, hopefully to get somewhere pretty special, but definitely enjoying the journey. Happy new year, y’all!