constructive criticism v. public shaming

Ok. This is a tirade-ish post. Just warning ya. And as always, my opinions are based on my experiences in the horse world. Your mileage may vary (please feel free to chime in!).

   

Also - the scenario I'm about to describe is unrelated to this blog. I am so grateful for everyone who reads and takes time to comment - really thank you! I've felt nothing but support and encouragement from this little community, and I hope that never changes.

Tho it's my understanding that other social forums aren't always like this. Like, say.... facebook. Apparently some drama can happen there. Who woulda thunk?

So here's a situation: 

• A friend posts a jumping picture from a recent lesson and is proud of her progress. A local trainer (who she's ridden under as a judge) comments negatively about her leg position, ultimately suggesting she isn't benefiting the horse at all. The friend is mortified and deletes the entire post after a little back and forth with other riding friends coming to her defense.
• Trainer then continues the conversation on her business's facebook page. Please keep in mind that this comment is based off a single photograph screen shot she saw, of a rider she's met in person maybe 2-3 times max:

And my reaction? Seething frothing indignation. Who the fuck does this lady think she is?

But... that's a little rough around the edges so let me try to break it down a little bit. There are a couple different categories in which I think the trainer misses the point.

A very good first response to this situation (IMO) is to read the SprinklerBandit's Ammy Manifesto. Maybe a couple times, actually (and yes I totally sent the link to the friend in question as an empowering pick-me-up). So yea, if you haven't read that yet go do it. 

So what points do I think this trainer is missing?? 

The big picture.
George Morris has been quoted as saying 'you're either schooling or unschooling the horse.' That's all well and good and all. But I think there's a big gray area.

Really the best way to ruin a horse is to send it to slaughter. No chance of recovery there.

The best way to develop a horse? Well, probably sending it off to a world class professional. You can insert whatever name you like. Phillip Dutton, Charlotte Dujardin, McLain Ward, whatever. Any of those individuals will undoubtedly do a better job faster than I can. 

But certainly there's somewhere in between the two extremes? Certainly there's room in there for those of us who occasionally get left behind at fences? Or inadvertently jump out of the dressage court? Or fall off when our horses roll in the water crossing??

    

Context.
The trainer made her comments based on a single photo of the rider jumping an oxer in the middle of a grid. One moment in an hour long lesson. And she concludes that it must be an instance of 'sub par instruction.'

Does she know who the friend was lessoning with? Perhaps she has beef with that trainer? Or perhaps she didn't know and didn't care? I don't know the details. 

Does she know the history of the horse? The history of the rider? Anything that might paint a fuller picture of what led to the flaws she saw in that photo? Or does she believe that there isn't room in riding for anything less than perfection? 

Philosophy.
This one is a little vague. But it's one of my favorites so I tend to find ways to fit it in. Generally, a life philosophy of mine is to "optimize not maximize."

What does it mean? To me, it means that I strive to make the best of any given situation - but the term 'best' is fluid. If I seek perfection and nothing less, disappointment is guaranteed. But if I seek an optimal solution, wherein I've achieved a balance such that things are as good or better than what might be reasonably expected - well, that makes me pretty happy.

Sometimes the optimal solution is making it to the other side in one piece. And sometimes I want more. "Expect better," as the trainer says, is a fine philosophy - but context matters.

Common Sense Communication.
Really this is kind of the biggie here, and the source of this post's title. What is the appropriate way to talk to someone (a stranger? a client? a close friend?) about perceived flaws?

I believe constructive criticism is a real and valuable tool. But when does it cross the line? What is constructive in calling out this rider who proudly posted a picture of what felt like a big accomplishment? What on earth is gained from shaming that adult amateur? 

Sure, she says it comes from a place of believing the rider could have more potential - but what exactly do you think she was working on in that very lesson from which the photo originated?

The Bottom Line.
My friend was pretty upset by the comments. I am clearly a bit riled up. Why? Why care? 

It probably comes down to the insane investment we pour into this ridiculous hobby. An investment measured beyond money, time and energy. And it is so critical for me to be able to derive pure joy and glee on a semi-regular basis from this investment.

If that joy comes in the form of a picture of us doing something we've never done before - and maybe even doing better than just surviving? Well the person who tries to rob me of that joy better back the fuck off because it's mine and you can't have it.