That write up was mostly a pretty detailed, cerebral summary of how the day unfolded, what we did and didn't do, what worked well, and what will need more attention going forward. In essence, it was my favorite type of ride recap: a full dissection of all the nitty gritties.
This style of writing helps me better understand what, exactly, happened. So that successes can be reproduced in future rides, and problems or mistakes can be more easily corrected or avoided. It's how my process-oriented brain works.
so freakin crazy about this sweet, kind gelding. thanks Austen for capturing these lovely photographs! |
But that's still kinda a superficial gloss over what's going on inside my head. Whether I admit it or not. And it wasn't until a day or two later that I realized something really important about this schooling ride.
Not the kind of "fun" that you can't experience until you're already dismounting and taking a deep breath, having survived the experience and finally able to let your guard down. No no, fun in the moment, as it's happening.
he may be spoiled, but he's just so pleasant to be around |
Like, thinking back to that post I linked in my recap - where I talked about my pre-ride selfie back in early 2016 with Isabel. And how maybe my expression in that picture was an omen for the season to come (hint, it totally was). I was surprised to see how many folks clicked through that link - bc a ton of you did.
But when I went back to really re-read that 2016 post.... Well. All those sensations and memories came flooding back. Even then, I was already beginning to feel sadness at the loss of what had been Isabel's and my amazing journey into the world of eventing. Even tho we wouldn't officially call it quits until three months (and countless crashes and falls) later.
I still wish I better understood what happened. That whole "dissecting all the nitty gritties so mistakes and problems can be corrected or avoided in the future" thing.
Actually, this recent article by Sally Cousins was super thought provoking in that regard, as it describes the long term sustainability of different styles of jumping in a way I had never previously considered.
love his goofy faces too lol |
So when Charlie came onto the scene, he was almost automatically at a disadvantage. The only saving grace being his extreme greenness. We had all the time in the world to get to know each other in low pressure, low intensity settings while he learned to be a riding horse. With the idea being that, by the time he was ready to be introduced to the big bad world of cross country, for instance, I'd have already built up our trust bank a bit.
And this did prove to be true - I *knew* in my heart of hearts during Charlie's earliest schooling rides that he would be a good boy. I was still scared tho. More than scared - a nervous wreck. And I fully admit to pounding at least one (maybe two) alcoholic beverages before those first couple schoolings wherein Charlie tackled his first itsy bitsy logs and boxes and roll tops.
naturally Austen needed her quota of snuggles too! |
And as recently as this past December, I was writing about needing to address my mojo. Needing to push myself and challenge myself to get back to good in the saddle.
So it took a little while to sink in after the derby schooling at Loch Moy. But. Guys. What stands out the most to me in thinking back on the ride? There was nobody there holding my hand (I mean, Brita was there if I needed her, but we were both pretty fine to focus on our own rides and goals), no trainer giving me cover about which jumps to choose.
Just me, myself, and I. And Charlie. Being accountable for our own selves. Making choices. And making good choices. Picking out jumps bc they looked like fun, bc I had seen them in the past, maybe during a course walk while Charlie was laid up from surgery, and thought "I want to jump THAT." And then given the opportunity? I did, in fact, jump that. And it was good.
even Lyra got some snuffles too. or maybe she was just eating up his lunch crumbs haha |
To me, tho? It feels a little bit like a dam breaking. Obviously confidence in riding is a fickle, changeable thing. It ebbs and flows, often for no logical or rational reason. And sometimes riding can be a slog. It's not easy, and bad things can happen even when you're trying your hardest.
But for right now, in this moment, I'm choosing to savor this feeling. And appreciate this special horse I've been lucky enough to ride, for being exactly what I need in an equine partner.
So here's to celebrating the small wins, and a future hopefully filled with many more FUN moments in the saddle with our horses!
Awesome! Riding is so expensive, and time consuming, and often emotionally exhausting - the FUN is what makes it all worth it!
ReplyDeletedefinitely! i don't mind some rough patches with the idea of future fun on the horizon.... but that fun needs to happen at some point!
DeleteI LOVE THIS SO SO SO MUCH. Hard fought, my friend. <3
ReplyDeletehard fought for sure.... but so worth it! <3
DeleteLife is way too short to not have fun riding so I love your post! Thanks for sharing and here is to much much much more fun in your future. Love the photos too!!
ReplyDeletethanks i love these photos too! and yes to more fun coming up soon!! hopefully with group rides!!!!
DeleteI love this post, and identify with so much of it. I'm thrilled that you are at a place where you and Charlie can have FUN and make it all worth it!
ReplyDeletethanks! i think we all go through periods of.... less fun. it's just part of the process in this horsey lifestyle, i think. but the fun... we gotta celebrate it!
DeleteThank you for being brave enough to write this. Carmen started at a disadvantage too and while the reason is different the impact is not. You worked hard to have that experience and I don’t mean just time in the saddle. Knowing the tiny bit I do about Isabelle and then the whole surgery thing I have admired your resilience. I love where you are starting this year. It has all the hallmarks of being a great year
ReplyDeleteyea we all have our own individual reasons and histories and nagging demons.... but so often the presentation is the same: pushing through and hanging in there, hoping the pieces will all come together. it's been great watching that happen with Carmen too!
DeleteOh man, I am right there with you on this post. I feel like I've gone through this in the past, and I'm going through it again right now. I'm looking forward to the day when I come back from jumping and it just... works. clicks. is FUN, with a capital "F," "U," "N!"
ReplyDeleteYES! like, conceptually we can know that "rome wasn't built in a day" or whatever.... but damn, laying each individual brick gets tiring sometimes! i hope you and your new boy start clicking into that fun zone soon too tho!!!
Deleteso happy to read this - and im so glad you're actually ENJOYING this crazy, expensive, heart rending thing we do.
ReplyDeleteand i really look forward to the day - probably about a year and a half overdue - when we can take a picture together ON OUR HORSES at a show.
yes!! that day where our giant ponies meet each other must happen soon! maybe may????? and yes, that enjoyment is what it's all about. like i'm cool with the rides where, once you're done it's easy to be like, "Ok that was actually fun" -- but fun in the actual moment is definitely great too!
DeleteThat's what it's all about!
ReplyDeletedefinitely!
DeleteSo happy for you!!!
ReplyDeletethanks ;)
DeleteYes! I love this so much! Cheers to so much more fun.
ReplyDeletefun for errybody!!!!
DeleteAhhhhh, that is a feeling definitely worth savoring and holding onto. So much of riding is a mental game but also it should be FUN! :-)
ReplyDeleteoh man it is SUCH a mental game!! i have to remind myself of that constantly lol
DeleteYay! Nothing better than a horse you can just go have fun on and not worry:)
ReplyDeletedefinitely! i can still find plenty of reasons to worry lol, but it's nice that the horse never seems to notice!
Delete!!!!!!! FEELINGS! I'm so happy to hear you in this sweet, beautiful place!
ReplyDeletegotta enjoy it while we can, right??
DeleteAwww!! That's so great!! I'm so glad it was just plain fun for you to go out there and do that. It's not silly, or trivial to be discussing it. You are so right that many times it ebbs and flows, but the fun is absolutely important. Definitely savor it, and I have no doubt that there will be so many more fun moments this year <3
ReplyDeletethanks i'm very hopeful for the year to come!
DeleteYou know I'm a big fan of celebrating the small wins since we all come from different backgrounds and different experiences and we all need different things from our every ride. I'm so happy to read that the last schooling was FUN! :) It really encompasses the whole reason why we struggle to ride, to learn, and to grow. To be out there with a horse we love (or sometimes just enjoy) and be doing that thing we crave to do. What a gift it is to ride horses!
ReplyDeletethat's exactly it - a gift. there's no promises in horses, no guarantees that all those struggles you mention will pay off. but every now and again the stars align!!
DeleteGreat post! The first time in a LONG time that I had fun WHILE riding was going XC at Full Gallop last month. Best feeling ever.
ReplyDeletedefinitely the best :) and so awesome to finally get that feeling back after a while without it!
DeleteI'm teetering on the brink of this. I have so many things to work through and I'm getting to the point with Zoe that I'm thinking about it. When I do get her out and go places, it is Fun. It's just convincing my brain that it's going to be fun beforehand that's the problem right now.
ReplyDeleteoh man, i definitely know that feeling. i've just tried to take one step at a time, and keep the pressure on myself low. bc there are still plenty of things that make me viscerally feel ill right now (like the mild panic attack i had a couple days before this schooling when organizers sent out ride times....). eventually tho, the good experiences start to outweigh the bad memories. repetition works!
DeleteLove this post, so so much <3 You and Charles have come such a long way, I am glad you are having FUN again.
ReplyDelete