coming to an understanding

There's something I didn't really say out loud in recapping our recent cross country outing at Loch Moy (tho I mentioned it a little bit in the comments).

That write up was mostly a pretty detailed, cerebral summary of how the day unfolded, what we did and didn't do, what worked well, and what will need more attention going forward. In essence, it was my favorite type of ride recap: a full dissection of all the nitty gritties.

This style of writing helps me better understand what, exactly, happened. So that successes can be reproduced in future rides, and problems or mistakes can be more easily corrected or avoided. It's how my process-oriented brain works.

so freakin crazy about this sweet, kind gelding. thanks Austen for capturing these lovely photographs!

Often times, however, this thought process overlooks the core essence of a ride. Well, ok I don't entirely "overlook" the emotional aspect bc I do try to be very honest in recording my emotional state during a ride. Namely, did I feel confident? Or nervous? Or sick deep down in my squishy yellow belly? Was I bold in tackling new challenges or did I have to "make myself" do it?

But that's still kinda a superficial gloss over what's going on inside my head. Whether I admit it or not. And it wasn't until a day or two later that I realized something really important about this schooling ride.

This cross country schooling was fun. Obvi, right? But like, no really. FUN. Every single step of the ride. Every moment.

Not the kind of "fun" that you can't experience until you're already dismounting and taking a deep breath, having survived the experience and finally able to let your guard down. No no, fun in the moment, as it's happening. 

he may be spoiled, but he's just so pleasant to be around

And I realized, I'm not sure I've had Fun with a capital "F" in the act of schooling cross country since.... well, 2015, honestly.

Like, thinking back to that post I linked in my recap - where I talked about my pre-ride selfie back in early 2016 with Isabel. And how maybe my expression in that picture was an omen for the season to come (hint, it totally was). I was surprised to see how many folks clicked through that link - bc a ton of you did.

But when I went back to really re-read that 2016 post.... Well. All those sensations and memories came flooding back. Even then, I was already beginning to feel sadness at the loss of what had been Isabel's and my amazing journey into the world of eventing. Even tho we wouldn't officially call it quits until three months (and countless crashes and falls) later.

I still wish I better understood what happened. That whole "dissecting all the nitty gritties so mistakes and problems can be corrected or avoided in the future" thing.

Actually, this recent article by Sally Cousins was super thought provoking in that regard, as it describes the long term sustainability of different styles of jumping in a way I had never previously considered.

love his goofy faces too lol

Ultimately tho, I kinda just have to let it go. And it's been hard. My riding in a post-Isabel world was also replete with challenges, and I fell off no less than three other horses that summer. Each in painful and scary circumstances.

So when Charlie came onto the scene, he was almost automatically at a disadvantage. The only saving grace being his extreme greenness. We had all the time in the world to get to know each other in low pressure, low intensity settings while he learned to be a riding horse. With the idea being that, by the time he was ready to be introduced to the big bad world of cross country, for instance, I'd have already built up our trust bank a bit.

And this did prove to be true - I *knew* in my heart of hearts during Charlie's earliest schooling rides that he would be a good boy. I was still scared tho. More than scared - a nervous wreck. And I fully admit to pounding at least one (maybe two) alcoholic beverages before those first couple schoolings wherein Charlie tackled his first itsy bitsy logs and boxes and roll tops.

naturally Austen needed her quota of snuggles too!

Even as Charlie has advanced in his experience and schooling, it's been a struggle for me to keep up with him. Especially when he became more gung ho about this whole jumping thing before I felt quite up to snuff in the rider fitness department.

And as recently as this past December, I was writing about needing to address my mojo. Needing to push myself and challenge myself to get back to good in the saddle.

So it took a little while to sink in after the derby schooling at Loch Moy. But. Guys. What stands out the most to me in thinking back on the ride? There was nobody there holding my hand (I mean, Brita was there if I needed her, but we were both pretty fine to focus on our own rides and goals), no trainer giving me cover about which jumps to choose.

Just me, myself, and I. And Charlie. Being accountable for our own selves. Making choices. And making good choices. Picking out jumps bc they looked like fun, bc I had seen them in the past, maybe during a course walk while Charlie was laid up from surgery, and thought "I want to jump THAT." And then given the opportunity? I did, in fact, jump that. And it was good.

even Lyra got some snuffles too. or maybe she was just eating up his lunch crumbs haha

This might sound silly, or trivial. Or like I'm kinda voluntarily dragging myself along some sort of emotional roller coaster in assessing the nebulous, vague emotional implications of jumping my horse over BN jumps.

To me, tho? It feels a little bit like a dam breaking. Obviously confidence in riding is a fickle, changeable thing. It ebbs and flows, often for no logical or rational reason. And sometimes riding can be a slog. It's not easy, and bad things can happen even when you're trying your hardest.

But for right now, in this moment, I'm choosing to savor this feeling. And appreciate this special horse I've been lucky enough to ride, for being exactly what I need in an equine partner.

So here's to celebrating the small wins, and a future hopefully filled with many more FUN moments in the saddle with our horses!